Foreword:
So you've finally found someone who makes your heart flutter, at least as much as someone can do over a dating profile. Congrats! Now it's time to reach out and let them know that you would like to engage them in intercourse. Of the verbal kind, you perv. If you think that the first message is an opportunity to try and pick them up for sex, you clearly haven't been reading this blog. On the other hand, if you have, hopefully you've learned which tactics not to use. Either way, here is a formula that you can use that I feel will up your chances of getting a response and also probably make you seem like less of a creeper. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
I believe in simplicity. You don't want to overwhelm them with a novel about how awesome they are, they probably already know that. What you do want to do, is draw attention to the things that attracted you to their profile and leave things open for further conversation.
First thing, open with a greeting that you would usually use in an email or text. Keep it relaxed and casual, this isn't a formal letter. Then, don't stop with just the greeting. That's lazy. Also, that gives you (and them) nowhere really to go from the interaction. I personally don't respond to those at all, unless I'm feeling sarcastic/bored.
Instead, mention something that stood out in their profile. Maybe a shared movie interest, a book they read that you also loved, something witty they said that made you laugh. Whatever thing stood out the most to you that you genuinely want to talk about or let them know caught your attention. OTHER THAN SOMETHING PHYSICAL. Obviously, you think that they're attractive, otherwise you wouldn't have messaged them in the first place. No need to overtly state it. It makes you seem pervy and creepy. There's nothing wrong with a compliment, but you want to show them that you're interested in them for more than their looks.
Next, you will want to say something funny, witty or interesting. This can also be in conjunction with the above mentioned topics. Send a link to something funny that you both have in common. An interesting article. Make an actually funny joke. Keep it light, keep it on topic, and above all else keep it memorable. Be careful of going too far over the line into crazytown, creepersville, or any other similar areas.
Lastly, end with a question about them that you are genuinely curious about. Again, common interests are good here. Stay away from "So how are things going for you on here?" or "Had any luck?" That just makes you sound like you're fishing for info, want to be friends or other non-productive things. Asking about something you want to talk about with them, spurs conversation, shows that you're truly interested in them and above all else gives you guys someplace for the conversation to go. If you don't allow for that, then your conversation will end and the other person will think that you've lost interest or they'll lose interest.
All of this should be accomplished in 3-6 sentences, max. Keep it short, keep it pleasant and be yourself. You don't want to feed them full of lines you think that they want to hear, because in the end they'll see right through anyone who is playing games.
Examples of bad messages:
Hey sexy. I loved your photos. Damn girl, you love Shawshank and you like Thai food? How about we go get our grub on together tonight?
- Too much about the looks, seems like you just want to take her to dinner, then bed.
Hey. Nice profile. Having any luck on here? ;-)
- Insecure and potentially desperate.
Yo babe, I can see us being together forever. You are perfect. Can I get your number?
- Lies. Bullshit. How can you even type with all that bull doody you're juggling?
There's just one thing wrong with your profile, I can't see dat ass from the front. Want to send me some of you from behind? I'll show you my junk. IT'S HUGE!
- Suuuuuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee it is.
I saw in your 3rd photo that you were at Bob Evans. I love that place. I think that you go to the one by my house. Do you live near me? I'll have to keep an eye out for you.
- Creeper....stalker. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.
Hello M'lady. I am quite impressed with your profile. Not only do you enjoy Star Wars but also have a degree in quantum physics, all while looking just as beautiful as Felicia Day. I would love to take you out for a night of culture and fine dining, but sadly I do not drive. Can you pick me up? If not, I'll be forces to bring my white steed. If you have a thing for men in uniform I have quite a few to pick from. Suit of armor, Starfleet (of course not a red shirt ha-ha-ha), and many other things we can discuss. Perhaps you would like to meet up both in our blue body paint and talk about the finer points of Avatar, since I see that you loved the movie. I'll be sure to wear my finest trilby and duster. Shall we set a date for the wedding yet? I'll pick, I know just the right one and venue already. Don't worry, I am sure you'll love it, as I am an intelligent and well read man on all subjects. Plus, I'm always right. Talk to you soon!
- Neckbeard alert!
Examples of good messages:
Hi! My name is Peter. Please, no penis jokes, I have heard them all haha I loved your profile! Especially the part where you discussed your interest in movies. What's the most recent one you've seen? I sadly have been in a bit of a movie slump and could use an excuse to go see one. What is one that you're excited to come out soon?
Hey there! Your profile is spectacular! I am also a bit of a literary nut since I was an English major in college. What was your favorite book that you read recently? I somehow manage to always see the movie before reading the book because I know that the book is always going to be better lol However, I didn't feel that way about __________ for some reason. I also love to travel and went to Mexico City for the first time last year, it was so much fun! Got any fun travel plans for the summer?
Hello, Xena. How was your weekend? I went to Cedar Point myself and had a great time with friends. Roller coasters are also one of my favorite things in the world. I see that you mentioned that you play sports, what do you play? I never really was a stellar athlete but I do enjoy playing basketball from time to time. I'm too short to ever be taken seriously but I bet I can give you a run for your money in Horse lol We can make things interesting and wager a penny. I'm such a high roller :-D
Reflection:
Simple, right? Well, it is if you actually take the time to read their profile and actually put some thought into this message. If you were looking for some generic message that would slay all the ladies/gentlemen, I am sorry to disappoint but it just doesn't exist. The thing is, that each person (whether it's actually true or not) is a special snowflake and they need to be treated individually. It may seem like a lot of work, but in the end, if they turn out to be someone you can see yourself with it'll be all worth it in the long run. Take your time, keep it fun and interesting and above all else be yourself. That is, after all what this is all about, you getting to know someone else, right? - S
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program: Random Texts
Foreword:
I decided to take a break from this lovely dating Tips & Tricks series to give a quick update about a text I received recently out of the blue. I have probably mentioned this before, but I never delete people from my address book/cell phone. Occasionally I will get a random text from someone and I like to avoid that awkward text where I'm asking them who the fuck they are. Occasionally, this tactic has turned things in my favor. This post is one of them, as per usual, I was bored when it happened. -S
Meat & Potatoes:
Stranger Danger (SD): Who is this?
Me: I'm S, and you text me, so that's odd and kind of rude.
SD: Well, I just got a random text from your number so I figured I'd ask.
Me: I don't have any text in my sent messages so that's odd. What did it say?
SD: It asked if I was at rock bottom yet
Me: I'm so sorry. Maybe I got some kind of virus/hack from a downloaded game or something...I'll have to root my phone and search later.
SD: I assume that meant the brewery and not the state of mind. So if you don't mind me asking, who are you anyway?
Me: Hrm, I don't know...maybe my phone bot is concerned about your well being. That's considerate of it.
SD: At least it's very nice of the programmers :-p
Me: Well, I'm assuming, because I never delete anyone from my phone and it has your first name next to a screenname/handle, that we probably met on an online dating site long enough ago that you deleted my number from your phone after one of us got bored or ran for the hills. So the answer is, no one of consequence who is just intrigued by random texts of rudeness while I sit here bored while I wait to get my team sport on.
SD: Ah ok, I was just curious. I apologize for interrupting your night.
Me: Programmers can be nice if they aren't lured to the dark side of corporate soul crushing tech support. So I can't speak to their true intentions. However, rest assured I will not ask you to verify your credit card anytime soon. :-D This is a very odd conversation, but no worries, this has been entertaining.
SD: Nice! I wish I could say I was athletic. The years of office work have taken their toll. I do go play golf and stuff. Just hard because of my awkward schedule. What else do you do?
Me: Why do you have an awkward schedule? Also, aw man...golfer's forehead. Very chic.
SD: I'm the very definition of chic.
Me: Showtime!
SD: Have fun!
Reflection:
I haven't heard from this guy since, and that was a while ago. However, I do remember this guy pretty well. If memory serves, he works 3rd shift doing something tech related. He's also a writer, had a lot in common with me, and I attempted to hang out with him only to be met with excuses and a cancellation (or two). I was over it and him pretty quickly, and had moved on from caring. It didn't really bother me because he had gotten to the point by then that he was only responding once a week or so. To me, that means that you're uninterested and probably not really looking to date.
Judging by his current conversation/response style, that seems to fit from what I remember. I thought about making an effort to make more conversation with him, after playing sports, but then decided it was probably for the best that we didn't. I think that we would get along as friends, but I don't feel like either of us are willing to put in the effort. Plus then he would probably ask me if I remembered him yet and I would have to tell the truth because I am who I am lol Just a bad idea all around and a recipe for major awkwardness. Eh, maybe I'll get bored one day and send him this link just to see what would happen :-D.
As a final thought, when you are interested in someone and get overwhelmed by life, don't completely disappear. This may be ok for friends or other people who already know and care about you but this person doesn't know you. If you start out your first impressions with a situation where you can't communicate with them, that's not a good sign. When it comes to romantic relationships, or even potential ones, make an effort to contact them within a timely manner. Even if it's just to apologize for being super busy and promising a longer response as soon as you can. Or hell, even just to say that you are super busy but you'll explain later. Tell them that you enjoy reading their replies, and ask for a funny story to cheer you up and you'll promise one in return. Something...ANYTHING. Radio silence is not your friend. Otherwise, you leave your interests and intent unknown, and that opens things up for other people to step in. It gives that person you're actually interested in a reason to start doubting your connection and a number of other things. There isn't a fine line between clingy and interested, so do not be afraid to communicate.
Next week, back to our Tips & Tricks. It's what everyone has been waiting for, crafting the perfect first message. - S
I decided to take a break from this lovely dating Tips & Tricks series to give a quick update about a text I received recently out of the blue. I have probably mentioned this before, but I never delete people from my address book/cell phone. Occasionally I will get a random text from someone and I like to avoid that awkward text where I'm asking them who the fuck they are. Occasionally, this tactic has turned things in my favor. This post is one of them, as per usual, I was bored when it happened. -S
Meat & Potatoes:
Stranger Danger (SD): Who is this?
Me: I'm S, and you text me, so that's odd and kind of rude.
SD: Well, I just got a random text from your number so I figured I'd ask.
Me: I don't have any text in my sent messages so that's odd. What did it say?
SD: It asked if I was at rock bottom yet
Me: I'm so sorry. Maybe I got some kind of virus/hack from a downloaded game or something...I'll have to root my phone and search later.
SD: I assume that meant the brewery and not the state of mind. So if you don't mind me asking, who are you anyway?
Me: Hrm, I don't know...maybe my phone bot is concerned about your well being. That's considerate of it.
SD: At least it's very nice of the programmers :-p
Me: Well, I'm assuming, because I never delete anyone from my phone and it has your first name next to a screenname/handle, that we probably met on an online dating site long enough ago that you deleted my number from your phone after one of us got bored or ran for the hills. So the answer is, no one of consequence who is just intrigued by random texts of rudeness while I sit here bored while I wait to get my team sport on.
SD: Ah ok, I was just curious. I apologize for interrupting your night.
Me: Programmers can be nice if they aren't lured to the dark side of corporate soul crushing tech support. So I can't speak to their true intentions. However, rest assured I will not ask you to verify your credit card anytime soon. :-D This is a very odd conversation, but no worries, this has been entertaining.
SD: Nice! I wish I could say I was athletic. The years of office work have taken their toll. I do go play golf and stuff. Just hard because of my awkward schedule. What else do you do?
Me: Why do you have an awkward schedule? Also, aw man...golfer's forehead. Very chic.
SD: I'm the very definition of chic.
Me: Showtime!
SD: Have fun!
Reflection:
I haven't heard from this guy since, and that was a while ago. However, I do remember this guy pretty well. If memory serves, he works 3rd shift doing something tech related. He's also a writer, had a lot in common with me, and I attempted to hang out with him only to be met with excuses and a cancellation (or two). I was over it and him pretty quickly, and had moved on from caring. It didn't really bother me because he had gotten to the point by then that he was only responding once a week or so. To me, that means that you're uninterested and probably not really looking to date.
Judging by his current conversation/response style, that seems to fit from what I remember. I thought about making an effort to make more conversation with him, after playing sports, but then decided it was probably for the best that we didn't. I think that we would get along as friends, but I don't feel like either of us are willing to put in the effort. Plus then he would probably ask me if I remembered him yet and I would have to tell the truth because I am who I am lol Just a bad idea all around and a recipe for major awkwardness. Eh, maybe I'll get bored one day and send him this link just to see what would happen :-D.
As a final thought, when you are interested in someone and get overwhelmed by life, don't completely disappear. This may be ok for friends or other people who already know and care about you but this person doesn't know you. If you start out your first impressions with a situation where you can't communicate with them, that's not a good sign. When it comes to romantic relationships, or even potential ones, make an effort to contact them within a timely manner. Even if it's just to apologize for being super busy and promising a longer response as soon as you can. Or hell, even just to say that you are super busy but you'll explain later. Tell them that you enjoy reading their replies, and ask for a funny story to cheer you up and you'll promise one in return. Something...ANYTHING. Radio silence is not your friend. Otherwise, you leave your interests and intent unknown, and that opens things up for other people to step in. It gives that person you're actually interested in a reason to start doubting your connection and a number of other things. There isn't a fine line between clingy and interested, so do not be afraid to communicate.
Next week, back to our Tips & Tricks. It's what everyone has been waiting for, crafting the perfect first message. - S
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Tips & Tricks: The Hunt
Foreword:
Now that you have a well crafted and eye catching profile, you have the tools you need to get things going and start looking for someone who catches your eye. LET THE HUNT COMMENCE! - S
Meat & Potatoes:
I highly recommend being honest when setting your search parameters. If you know that you don't want to look at anyone over or under a certain age, set it accurately. If you smoke and only want to date a smoker, then click that little box. I know that we all like to say that we are 'open minded' about someone's 'flaws' but your initial search should be for what you're looking for. Think about what truly are deal breakers for you and start there. You can always go back through and change your settings later.
Personally, I don't put a TON of value in match percentages. Sure they can help with the basics, and probably anyone with 99% Enemy is a bad choice? Don't be afraid to go through the profiles with the lower percentages. Differences are interesting! You can still have plenty in common if you're only a 75% match. Unless you do want to date yourself, then carry on I say. Or give up now and start saving up for prostitutes. Okay okay, start saving up for your Brazzers subscription....or more mirrors at your place...etc :-D
Lets be honest, you will look straight at the photos eliminating people immediately through their main profile photo. That's just life and it's fine. If you don't find them attractive then you don't, it's just that simple. However, don't be afraid to click on that profile where you feel like it could go either way, or their photo catches your eye because of something interesting. I personally know that I put myself with random or funny crap just to add a touch of my humor to things. If you can't enjoy the fact that I stopped to take a photo with Gumby at a street festival then we probably wouldn't get along anyway.
Now I know this sounds really brutal and harsh but once you've clicked on a profile don't be afraid to be a critic and watch for warning signs. Some typos are ok, but if it's riddled with them, and that bothers you... let it bother you and move on. She hates all things that you're deeply into? Move on. She wants 15 children and you want to stay childless? EEEEEEhhhhhttt! Keep on searching. These are extreme examples, but you get the idea. You want their profile to say something about themselves and not scare you away. Here are some warning signs that I've personally noticed from dating profiles that are giant red flags.
"I'm not looking for drama" - This means that somehow, magically DRAMA seems to follow them. If you look around, and you have no friends who are <insert typical fatal flaw here> then it's probably you.
"I am ______ but I'm not defensive/crazy/over the top about it" - If you feel the need to put it out there, then that means that you are and someone called you out on it. I once had a guy who claimed not to be a bible thumper and flipped out that I pointed out him messaging me seemed to contradict what he says he's looking for. Not everyone who states something like this is going to be a hypocrite, but if they go one for more than a sentence or two about it, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Blank profiles - Fucker is just looking for ass, is lazy, or not patient enough to actually put in the work. Unless you're looking for ass, a lazy person or someone who is impatient, you might want to move on. Often times, they're really just trolling for ass with a blank profile. If that's what you're looking for, then way to go! If you're relationship minded, then you might want to pass by that chiseled stomach/fat ass/huge rack etc...after a moment long enough to commit it to the spank bank.
Reflection:
These are just a few of the things to keep an eye out for, but the thing that you really need to remember is to trust your gut. If you're afraid of crowds, and they frequent music festivals...perhaps things aren't meant to be. Be open minded, but not too narrow minded as to pass everyone up based on a ridiculous set of standards.
The last, and probably most important thing to keep in mind is to NOT rely solely on their photos. I mean, yeah, if you think that she shares a striking resemblance to Monroe from Grimm in his vogue state...and that DOESN'T do something for you, don't waste either of your time. On the flip side, don't put up with bullshit from someone just because they're insanely hot and you think that you will put up with anything just to get a chance to tap that. You are better than that. Or maybe you're not, and you just want to tap every possible piece of hot tail you can...then by all means. Wait, why are you reading this then? lol
That's all I've got for now. Go forth! Don't forget your deer urine. Eww.
Next week, I teach you how to craft a message that probably won't send her running for the hills. Probably.
Now that you have a well crafted and eye catching profile, you have the tools you need to get things going and start looking for someone who catches your eye. LET THE HUNT COMMENCE! - S
Meat & Potatoes:
I highly recommend being honest when setting your search parameters. If you know that you don't want to look at anyone over or under a certain age, set it accurately. If you smoke and only want to date a smoker, then click that little box. I know that we all like to say that we are 'open minded' about someone's 'flaws' but your initial search should be for what you're looking for. Think about what truly are deal breakers for you and start there. You can always go back through and change your settings later.
Personally, I don't put a TON of value in match percentages. Sure they can help with the basics, and probably anyone with 99% Enemy is a bad choice? Don't be afraid to go through the profiles with the lower percentages. Differences are interesting! You can still have plenty in common if you're only a 75% match. Unless you do want to date yourself, then carry on I say. Or give up now and start saving up for prostitutes. Okay okay, start saving up for your Brazzers subscription....or more mirrors at your place...etc :-D
Lets be honest, you will look straight at the photos eliminating people immediately through their main profile photo. That's just life and it's fine. If you don't find them attractive then you don't, it's just that simple. However, don't be afraid to click on that profile where you feel like it could go either way, or their photo catches your eye because of something interesting. I personally know that I put myself with random or funny crap just to add a touch of my humor to things. If you can't enjoy the fact that I stopped to take a photo with Gumby at a street festival then we probably wouldn't get along anyway.
Now I know this sounds really brutal and harsh but once you've clicked on a profile don't be afraid to be a critic and watch for warning signs. Some typos are ok, but if it's riddled with them, and that bothers you... let it bother you and move on. She hates all things that you're deeply into? Move on. She wants 15 children and you want to stay childless? EEEEEEhhhhhttt! Keep on searching. These are extreme examples, but you get the idea. You want their profile to say something about themselves and not scare you away. Here are some warning signs that I've personally noticed from dating profiles that are giant red flags.
"I'm not looking for drama" - This means that somehow, magically DRAMA seems to follow them. If you look around, and you have no friends who are <insert typical fatal flaw here> then it's probably you.
"I am ______ but I'm not defensive/crazy/over the top about it" - If you feel the need to put it out there, then that means that you are and someone called you out on it. I once had a guy who claimed not to be a bible thumper and flipped out that I pointed out him messaging me seemed to contradict what he says he's looking for. Not everyone who states something like this is going to be a hypocrite, but if they go one for more than a sentence or two about it, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Blank profiles - Fucker is just looking for ass, is lazy, or not patient enough to actually put in the work. Unless you're looking for ass, a lazy person or someone who is impatient, you might want to move on. Often times, they're really just trolling for ass with a blank profile. If that's what you're looking for, then way to go! If you're relationship minded, then you might want to pass by that chiseled stomach/fat ass/huge rack etc...after a moment long enough to commit it to the spank bank.
Reflection:
These are just a few of the things to keep an eye out for, but the thing that you really need to remember is to trust your gut. If you're afraid of crowds, and they frequent music festivals...perhaps things aren't meant to be. Be open minded, but not too narrow minded as to pass everyone up based on a ridiculous set of standards.
The last, and probably most important thing to keep in mind is to NOT rely solely on their photos. I mean, yeah, if you think that she shares a striking resemblance to Monroe from Grimm in his vogue state...and that DOESN'T do something for you, don't waste either of your time. On the flip side, don't put up with bullshit from someone just because they're insanely hot and you think that you will put up with anything just to get a chance to tap that. You are better than that. Or maybe you're not, and you just want to tap every possible piece of hot tail you can...then by all means. Wait, why are you reading this then? lol
That's all I've got for now. Go forth! Don't forget your deer urine. Eww.
Next week, I teach you how to craft a message that probably won't send her running for the hills. Probably.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Tips & Tricks: How To Get Her Attention
Foreword:
So one of the more frequent things I get asked by people is what do people do right. How can someone catch your attention? What can someone do to catch any girl's attention? I'm going to attempt to answer some of these questions and give some examples over the next few weeks. Then, we can go back to making fun of the ones who fail miserably. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
What you ultimately want to do is find a girl (or guy), craft a wonderful message and get a chance to wow him (or her) with your awesomeness in person so that you can run off into the sunset on your personal happily ever after. Whatever that may be. Just because I live my life a certain way, doesn't meant that I don't know others who live alternative lifestyles, whatever floats your boat and brings you home to papa is your business. I may not want your particular life, but I respect you hunting for what will make you happy. So, the first thing everyone expects me to tell them is how to craft the perfect message. However, no matter how wonderful your message is you must always have a few things in place as a bare minimum in your dating profile before they can truly be dazzled into responding.
Must Haves:
1- A profile free of creepy, overly sexualized, douchey or group photos
This seems like a simple one, but I can't tell you how many times I've gone through someones photos only to never figure out which person they are. It's a fact that group photos make you look better by taking in the best features of all of your friends, but not every photo should be a group one. Your profile shouldn't be a puzzle, put a damn selfie in there if you have to. While we're at it, smile in a fucking photo once in a while. Guys seem to think that showing their smile makes them seem less manly, but really you just look like a creeper. You know what else makes you seem like a creeper? Horrible lighting. If you're swathed in shadow, then chances are you are just making her wonder what dark alley you crawled out of. Everyone has a photographer friend or access to a camera of some kind. Clean yourself up, put on a nice shirt, and turn on a fucking light. Is this too much to ask?! Bonus points for funny photos. Negative points for shirtless mirror photos, you can show that you have a nice physique by doing more than just portraits, selfies, or cropping out your buddy in your head shots. You assume that if she has all head shots, that she's fat, so throw one in of you standing around, sitting with friends or something. Get creative.
2- Enough info and questions to tell someone about yourself and you actual interests. Most dating sites offer a wide array of questions for you to honestly answer about yourself and some way of showing your personality, interests and a wide variety of things. Bullet point things if you have to, but get your key points across without sounding like a fanatic, condescending or a snob. Also, if you can manage to not sound like a neckbeard, that is great too. Keep it down to a minimum too while you're at it, no one wants to read a novel. The longer it is, the less likely that they'll read the whole thing.
3- Honesty
It's trite, but goddamnit, be yourself! No one wants to read this profile crafted stating what a straight laces young professional you are, when you're actually a dirty hippie who hasn't kept a job in years. If you're a nerd, let your flag fly (in moderation) and for the love of god just be honest about what you're looking for. Honesty will always get you at the bare minimum respect. At least, from someone who is worth your time.
Reflection:
All of the stuff above can be adapted for your particular dating site of choice. Tinder is a bit more difficult, but you can get your personality across in the short character limit and more importantly by taking the fucking time to select things that you actually like for the matches to come up. It takes time, but they don't give you a lot to work with on there. The rest of the dating sites give you a lot more to work with. Also, lets be honest, you're probably not looking for love on Tinder. Some people happen upon it by accident, but most of the people on there are just looking for some ass. My biggest concern is that someone will use all this info to pull some kind of stint like that jackass in Hitch. If you do, be prepared for me to break your shit off. Okay, pumpkin?
Look, I said up front this would be a series. We will get into the message crafting section in time, be patient. If you can't be patient, feel free to hire me for my services and I'll teach you right now. For three easy payments of $99.95, plus shipping and handling.
Next installment....I teach you how to hunt. Grr baby, very grr! *sigh I'm the only one who quotes Austin Powers anymore. I feel old. - S
So one of the more frequent things I get asked by people is what do people do right. How can someone catch your attention? What can someone do to catch any girl's attention? I'm going to attempt to answer some of these questions and give some examples over the next few weeks. Then, we can go back to making fun of the ones who fail miserably. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
What you ultimately want to do is find a girl (or guy), craft a wonderful message and get a chance to wow him (or her) with your awesomeness in person so that you can run off into the sunset on your personal happily ever after. Whatever that may be. Just because I live my life a certain way, doesn't meant that I don't know others who live alternative lifestyles, whatever floats your boat and brings you home to papa is your business. I may not want your particular life, but I respect you hunting for what will make you happy. So, the first thing everyone expects me to tell them is how to craft the perfect message. However, no matter how wonderful your message is you must always have a few things in place as a bare minimum in your dating profile before they can truly be dazzled into responding.
Must Haves:
1- A profile free of creepy, overly sexualized, douchey or group photos
This seems like a simple one, but I can't tell you how many times I've gone through someones photos only to never figure out which person they are. It's a fact that group photos make you look better by taking in the best features of all of your friends, but not every photo should be a group one. Your profile shouldn't be a puzzle, put a damn selfie in there if you have to. While we're at it, smile in a fucking photo once in a while. Guys seem to think that showing their smile makes them seem less manly, but really you just look like a creeper. You know what else makes you seem like a creeper? Horrible lighting. If you're swathed in shadow, then chances are you are just making her wonder what dark alley you crawled out of. Everyone has a photographer friend or access to a camera of some kind. Clean yourself up, put on a nice shirt, and turn on a fucking light. Is this too much to ask?! Bonus points for funny photos. Negative points for shirtless mirror photos, you can show that you have a nice physique by doing more than just portraits, selfies, or cropping out your buddy in your head shots. You assume that if she has all head shots, that she's fat, so throw one in of you standing around, sitting with friends or something. Get creative.
2- Enough info and questions to tell someone about yourself and you actual interests. Most dating sites offer a wide array of questions for you to honestly answer about yourself and some way of showing your personality, interests and a wide variety of things. Bullet point things if you have to, but get your key points across without sounding like a fanatic, condescending or a snob. Also, if you can manage to not sound like a neckbeard, that is great too. Keep it down to a minimum too while you're at it, no one wants to read a novel. The longer it is, the less likely that they'll read the whole thing.
3- Honesty
It's trite, but goddamnit, be yourself! No one wants to read this profile crafted stating what a straight laces young professional you are, when you're actually a dirty hippie who hasn't kept a job in years. If you're a nerd, let your flag fly (in moderation) and for the love of god just be honest about what you're looking for. Honesty will always get you at the bare minimum respect. At least, from someone who is worth your time.
Reflection:
All of the stuff above can be adapted for your particular dating site of choice. Tinder is a bit more difficult, but you can get your personality across in the short character limit and more importantly by taking the fucking time to select things that you actually like for the matches to come up. It takes time, but they don't give you a lot to work with on there. The rest of the dating sites give you a lot more to work with. Also, lets be honest, you're probably not looking for love on Tinder. Some people happen upon it by accident, but most of the people on there are just looking for some ass. My biggest concern is that someone will use all this info to pull some kind of stint like that jackass in Hitch. If you do, be prepared for me to break your shit off. Okay, pumpkin?
Look, I said up front this would be a series. We will get into the message crafting section in time, be patient. If you can't be patient, feel free to hire me for my services and I'll teach you right now. For three easy payments of $99.95, plus shipping and handling.
Next installment....I teach you how to hunt. Grr baby, very grr! *sigh I'm the only one who quotes Austin Powers anymore. I feel old. - S
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Couple's Accounts: IRL & Tinder
Foreword:
So, it's pretty much what you think it is. Couples get an account looking for a woman to be their third. Surprisingly enough, there was only one couple's account that I found on Tinder. At least, for the short time I was on there. This was my encounter - S
Meat & Potatoes:
Reflection:
Me?! Over think things?! Pssh....nevar!
Surprisingly enough, they were an actually really good looking couple. However, I was not interested in the guy at all. It would've been rude to say "You ok watching? Because I think your girlfriend is VERY hot and I would do everything to her". Plus, I really didn't care whether or not it happened. I asked all the questions because those were my concerns. No one can ever say that I don't put everything out there up front lol
The funny part of the story is that I saw them out and about a couple weeks ago. Of course I had screen shots of them I had saved for the blog, and I showed the photos to people I was with. They confirmed that it looked like them. She was just as pretty in person, and he was about what I thought he would look like. I almost did a bad thing and walked over and tried talking to the woman. I thought better of it though, since I really again didn't care much. Still, I live in a relatively large city, so running into people I know is pretty rare in a general. All in all, not the creepiest encounter (there have been way creepier couples) but still funny to see people in real life going about their business that clearly just wanted to tap that ass. It's like seeing a teacher outside of your school, it was just somehow wrong...even though you knew that they weren't there at work 24/7 and had their own lives. Meh. Maybe I'll see them around again and I'll strike up a conversation with her. I noticed her at first because she was staring over at me. Maybe it was because they were trying to figure out why I looked familiar. If nothing else, she is pretty and I always enjoy talking to a pretty girl :-) It's really rare that the couple actually is attractive, all of the other ones I have gotten messages from looked like at least one of them was beaten with the ugly stick. Poor stick :-( - S
So, it's pretty much what you think it is. Couples get an account looking for a woman to be their third. Surprisingly enough, there was only one couple's account that I found on Tinder. At least, for the short time I was on there. This was my encounter - S
Meat & Potatoes:
Reflection:
Me?! Over think things?! Pssh....nevar!
Surprisingly enough, they were an actually really good looking couple. However, I was not interested in the guy at all. It would've been rude to say "You ok watching? Because I think your girlfriend is VERY hot and I would do everything to her". Plus, I really didn't care whether or not it happened. I asked all the questions because those were my concerns. No one can ever say that I don't put everything out there up front lol
The funny part of the story is that I saw them out and about a couple weeks ago. Of course I had screen shots of them I had saved for the blog, and I showed the photos to people I was with. They confirmed that it looked like them. She was just as pretty in person, and he was about what I thought he would look like. I almost did a bad thing and walked over and tried talking to the woman. I thought better of it though, since I really again didn't care much. Still, I live in a relatively large city, so running into people I know is pretty rare in a general. All in all, not the creepiest encounter (there have been way creepier couples) but still funny to see people in real life going about their business that clearly just wanted to tap that ass. It's like seeing a teacher outside of your school, it was just somehow wrong...even though you knew that they weren't there at work 24/7 and had their own lives. Meh. Maybe I'll see them around again and I'll strike up a conversation with her. I noticed her at first because she was staring over at me. Maybe it was because they were trying to figure out why I looked familiar. If nothing else, she is pretty and I always enjoy talking to a pretty girl :-) It's really rare that the couple actually is attractive, all of the other ones I have gotten messages from looked like at least one of them was beaten with the ugly stick. Poor stick :-( - S
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
TallHotBlonde - My Encounter
Foreword:
I got a message one day from this beautiful girl whose profile was more than a bit confusing. She said that she was 22, but everything in her profile made her sound like she was at least 10 years older. It reminded me of when my Dad tries to use current slang terms, but sounds really stupid and looks ridiculous using the wrong words or using the phrase in the wrong context. Anyone with parents knows what I'm talking about, so we should all be on the same page here. It made me suspicious, and of course, curious. So I went ahead and messaged her back just to see what was going on. My first assumption was that it was a couple looking for a third...boy was I wrong. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
***As I had this encounter before I started the blog, as usual, this is a summary of essentially what happened through my interaction***
A summary of her profile: TallHotBlonde, 22
Status: In an open relationship
Interested in: Men & Women
About me: I'm a student working on my MBA. I thought that I would try out this online dating thing to see who was out there. I am only looking for women, so NO GUYS. I already have a man and I won't ever need another.
Interests: School, and my man. I like to work out too, I have to stay sexy for my man! :)
Hobbies: Studying and being with my man.
Job: I don't work right now because I'm in school, but my man takes care of me.
I'm sure you get the idea by now.....So lets move on to the actual interaction.
TallHotBlonde (THB): Hey gurl, how's it going?
Me: It's going, how are you?
THB: I'm more than fine! I just left my boyfriend's place, we were hanging out. He's the best!
Me: I'm sure he is lol So if you've got such a wonderful boyfriend, why are you on this site? Looking for a 3rd or something?
THB: No, not really, although that is always tons of fun! ;) ;) ;) I'm going away for the summer on an internship, so I am looking for someone to take care of my man while I'm gone. (Well isn't that sweet and...creepy?)
Me: Like, make him dinner? j/k Well isn't that nice of you. So you both are looking together?
THB: No, I'm just looking for a girl that I would approve of, and then I'll send her to him. It was my idea! :) I didn't want any drama and of course wanted the perfect girl for him. So, are you interested? (Uhm, fuck no....what 22 yr old talks like this and acts like this? "My man" indeed, more like "It's a man baby, yeah!")
Me: Not sure, I would have to see how I feel about him before I made a decision. Tell me about him, how old he is, what he does, how you two met etc
THB: My man is soooOOoooo great! He is an entrepreneur and has his own business. He is actually my inspiration for getting my MBA. He is so sexy and we met at a bar. He's 42, very fit and amazing in bed. I am so glad I found him! You interested? (Oh hellll no, this is totally a fake profile and this guy is pathetic. Can't find a woman on his own so he's catfishing.)
Me: Well, I'll be honest I'm not that interested in him. I think that you're beautiful. It doesn't seem like you're looking for a girl at all really for yourself, and honestly I don't know how I would feel about all of this. I would probably want to meet you too if I hit it off with him. (Which will never happen because you don't really exist) Would you be participating in the sex or it would just be me and him the whole time?
THB: I am leaving this weekend for my internship so I can't meet you before I leave. Maybe when I get back I might have some fun with you too, but right now it's just for my man. I will probably just pick up where I left off once I'm back though since this is all just temporary. (Oh, so you're going to love me and leave me?! Well, at least I have fair warning ahead of time. Who knows, maybe I won't end up in a basement after all!) I would do anything for him, and I don't want him to be lonely while I'm gone ;) I do want you to take lots of photos together and even make a video to send me. I want to see everything, it turns me on sooooo much when I see him with another woman. ;) (Yeah, you're so not a real person and this jackass is awful, trying to set up videos to sell already. Creeper factor just got 100000000x worse too.)
Me: Well, any way you could send me a photo or something of him? Kind of moot point if he's not my type.
THB: Of course, I'll have him email you (I didn't give them my real email, calm down, I used the one that I reserve for Craigslist and other things like that lol)
Literally 1 minute later I got an email with a photo of a portly, balding man, smiling creepily while standing next to his bicycle, wearing a biking outfit that was straining to contain him. He is not attractive at all, looks older than 42 and think that there is no way in hell that a woman who looks like her, is with a man like that after meeting in a bar. Plus, the turn around time is just too fast for it to be anyone else. Of course, he emails me immediately after asking if I have any interest. I just say no thanks, I am not attracted to him and report his profile with the photo to the dating website. To Catch A Predator: Dating Apocalypse Episode...has a certain ring to it, doesn't it? lol
Reflection:
I probably shouldn't have let the charade go on that long but I was bored and curious. Her profile pretty much gave everything away from the start and none of it made any sense. I talked with some friends after it happened, and apparently this is a very common thing that happens on dating sites. Someone steals photos of their kid, a friend's kid or something from somewhere, usually Facebook and create a fake profile. All of her photos were of her at some kind of family function wearing the same outfit, so it was probably this creeper's coworker who posted a family picnic. The other clue was that if she really was all about "her man", then she would have had a photo of them together. Especially if it really was a joint effort to find someone. Plus, no one refers to their significant other as "my man" anymore, that's totally a 90's thing.
The other giant red flag was that even though she was Bi, she wasn't interested in any activity whatsoever with the female. Yeah I know some people get off on the cuckholding thing, but really whenever there is a couple aspect they're always looking for a 3rd. However, that is an entry for another day. If you're interested in a movie about how this kind of fake profile stuff can go horribly wrong, check out the movie TalHotBlond. It has Garret Dillahunt in it, but in a serious and creepy role. I surprisingly liked it. Netflix it or something, don't pay for it though lol -S
I got a message one day from this beautiful girl whose profile was more than a bit confusing. She said that she was 22, but everything in her profile made her sound like she was at least 10 years older. It reminded me of when my Dad tries to use current slang terms, but sounds really stupid and looks ridiculous using the wrong words or using the phrase in the wrong context. Anyone with parents knows what I'm talking about, so we should all be on the same page here. It made me suspicious, and of course, curious. So I went ahead and messaged her back just to see what was going on. My first assumption was that it was a couple looking for a third...boy was I wrong. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
***As I had this encounter before I started the blog, as usual, this is a summary of essentially what happened through my interaction***
A summary of her profile: TallHotBlonde, 22
Status: In an open relationship
Interested in: Men & Women
About me: I'm a student working on my MBA. I thought that I would try out this online dating thing to see who was out there. I am only looking for women, so NO GUYS. I already have a man and I won't ever need another.
Interests: School, and my man. I like to work out too, I have to stay sexy for my man! :)
Hobbies: Studying and being with my man.
Job: I don't work right now because I'm in school, but my man takes care of me.
I'm sure you get the idea by now.....So lets move on to the actual interaction.
TallHotBlonde (THB): Hey gurl, how's it going?
Me: It's going, how are you?
THB: I'm more than fine! I just left my boyfriend's place, we were hanging out. He's the best!
Me: I'm sure he is lol So if you've got such a wonderful boyfriend, why are you on this site? Looking for a 3rd or something?
THB: No, not really, although that is always tons of fun! ;) ;) ;) I'm going away for the summer on an internship, so I am looking for someone to take care of my man while I'm gone. (Well isn't that sweet and...creepy?)
Me: Like, make him dinner? j/k Well isn't that nice of you. So you both are looking together?
THB: No, I'm just looking for a girl that I would approve of, and then I'll send her to him. It was my idea! :) I didn't want any drama and of course wanted the perfect girl for him. So, are you interested? (Uhm, fuck no....what 22 yr old talks like this and acts like this? "My man" indeed, more like "It's a man baby, yeah!")
Me: Not sure, I would have to see how I feel about him before I made a decision. Tell me about him, how old he is, what he does, how you two met etc
THB: My man is soooOOoooo great! He is an entrepreneur and has his own business. He is actually my inspiration for getting my MBA. He is so sexy and we met at a bar. He's 42, very fit and amazing in bed. I am so glad I found him! You interested? (Oh hellll no, this is totally a fake profile and this guy is pathetic. Can't find a woman on his own so he's catfishing.)
Me: Well, I'll be honest I'm not that interested in him. I think that you're beautiful. It doesn't seem like you're looking for a girl at all really for yourself, and honestly I don't know how I would feel about all of this. I would probably want to meet you too if I hit it off with him. (Which will never happen because you don't really exist) Would you be participating in the sex or it would just be me and him the whole time?
THB: I am leaving this weekend for my internship so I can't meet you before I leave. Maybe when I get back I might have some fun with you too, but right now it's just for my man. I will probably just pick up where I left off once I'm back though since this is all just temporary. (Oh, so you're going to love me and leave me?! Well, at least I have fair warning ahead of time. Who knows, maybe I won't end up in a basement after all!) I would do anything for him, and I don't want him to be lonely while I'm gone ;) I do want you to take lots of photos together and even make a video to send me. I want to see everything, it turns me on sooooo much when I see him with another woman. ;) (Yeah, you're so not a real person and this jackass is awful, trying to set up videos to sell already. Creeper factor just got 100000000x worse too.)
Me: Well, any way you could send me a photo or something of him? Kind of moot point if he's not my type.
THB: Of course, I'll have him email you (I didn't give them my real email, calm down, I used the one that I reserve for Craigslist and other things like that lol)
Literally 1 minute later I got an email with a photo of a portly, balding man, smiling creepily while standing next to his bicycle, wearing a biking outfit that was straining to contain him. He is not attractive at all, looks older than 42 and think that there is no way in hell that a woman who looks like her, is with a man like that after meeting in a bar. Plus, the turn around time is just too fast for it to be anyone else. Of course, he emails me immediately after asking if I have any interest. I just say no thanks, I am not attracted to him and report his profile with the photo to the dating website. To Catch A Predator: Dating Apocalypse Episode...has a certain ring to it, doesn't it? lol
Reflection:
I probably shouldn't have let the charade go on that long but I was bored and curious. Her profile pretty much gave everything away from the start and none of it made any sense. I talked with some friends after it happened, and apparently this is a very common thing that happens on dating sites. Someone steals photos of their kid, a friend's kid or something from somewhere, usually Facebook and create a fake profile. All of her photos were of her at some kind of family function wearing the same outfit, so it was probably this creeper's coworker who posted a family picnic. The other clue was that if she really was all about "her man", then she would have had a photo of them together. Especially if it really was a joint effort to find someone. Plus, no one refers to their significant other as "my man" anymore, that's totally a 90's thing.
The other giant red flag was that even though she was Bi, she wasn't interested in any activity whatsoever with the female. Yeah I know some people get off on the cuckholding thing, but really whenever there is a couple aspect they're always looking for a 3rd. However, that is an entry for another day. If you're interested in a movie about how this kind of fake profile stuff can go horribly wrong, check out the movie TalHotBlond. It has Garret Dillahunt in it, but in a serious and creepy role. I surprisingly liked it. Netflix it or something, don't pay for it though lol -S
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The Dating Site Web Designer Drama
Foreword:
Back when I first started doing the online dating thing, I thought that I would start with a free account on Plenty Of Fish (POF). I quickly learned that there are two kinds of people on that website, women looking for a sugar daddy for their 15 kids and unemployed men. Although I met my good friend M (featured in the Under Pressure post) on there, most of the people I ended up talking to were just so excited to find a gainfully employed woman who didn't have any kids. Well, at some point I got a message from a guy who was a web developer for a few dating sites and he had accounts to test them. He also, used the site to meet women of course. We started chatting but eventually I just discovered that I wasn't into him. We stopped talking and life went on. Then, randomly I got a message from him about a month later....-S
Meat & Potatoes:
Web Developer (WD): Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Hey, long time no talk. Not much, what's up with you?
WD: I'm just going back through your profile.
Me: Why?
WD: To remind myself what an ugly bitch you are
Me: Is this a joke?
WD: No, you're a fat cow and I don't know what I ever saw in you.
Me: Uhm, we only chatted a couple times and you messaged me first so you must have liked what you saw a bit.
WD: I must have been wasted out of my mind. That's the only reason why I would ever think your disgusting face was attractive. You're so fat you would probably crush me.
Me: Your whole profile is about how you lost like 100 lbs and still had another 60 or so to go before you would stop. Plus, you're still bigger than me, so I don't see how that would even be possible. Plus, your profile is all about being loving toward each other and not causing drama....this seems like the complete opposite of what you're all about. Are you a hypocrite?
WD: Yes...yes I am. You should never waggle your fat fingers over the keyboard ever again to talk to me.
Me: Ok then, I will do that once you stop waggling your fat fingers over the keyboard to stop messaging me.
WD: I'll do whatever I want, and I'll message you with whatever I want to say.
Me: This is a free country but that's a great way to get your ass blocked. Or shall I say your fat ass blocked. I'm pretty sure this is someone hacking a profile, only I'm not sure when the link to a virus is going to happen.
WD: I am the virus, and I infected you with fat cells.
Me: *sigh this is getting less entertaining by the moment. Can't you think of better insults? Like perhaps "I wish you would catch a lethal virus, so you can do the world a favor and die" or maybe "You could use the flu virus a few times to help you drop some weight. At least you would be skinny and ugly, and not fat and ugly". I mean, really...bring your A-game here toots.
WD: I don't have to bring anything to you, you don't deserve it.
Me: Yes, because I deserve to be bothered by a raving loon on someone else's dating site. You do know that he's going to find these chats eventually, right? Then he's going to know who hacked his profile. He's a Web Developer for the site. Seriously. You are a complete moron.
WD: (No response)
Me: Yeah, nothing to say to that? Weak *Block*
Reflection:
About two days later I got a message from a similarly named account to the old one with a few numbers after the handle that went something like this.
WD2: Hey, I just wanted to apologize for what happened the other day. This girl I had been seeing got on my computer and started messaging every girl that I ever talked to on here. Apparently, she was trying to take out the competition by making me look like an ass. I am soo sorry for that. This is why I'm not dating white chicks anymore. They're all crazy (Side note, he's a white guy but very wigger-y)
Me: That's fine, I figured as much. It was entertaining for about 10 minutes. No worries, no hard feelings. Also, crazy knows no race or creed, women can be crazy from any nation and in every skin tone. You just need to avoid crazy chicks in general.
WD2: Yeah, that's true but in my experience all the drama and crazy comes from the white ones. I'm just not going to date them anymore. So how you been?
Me: *Ignore
Not going to date white chicks because they're all crazy?! I'm pretty sure you're single because you just keep dating crazy bitches. However, I hear the crazy ones are great in bed. Maybe that's his real problem, not that white chicks are crazy. Racist bastard. - S
Back when I first started doing the online dating thing, I thought that I would start with a free account on Plenty Of Fish (POF). I quickly learned that there are two kinds of people on that website, women looking for a sugar daddy for their 15 kids and unemployed men. Although I met my good friend M (featured in the Under Pressure post) on there, most of the people I ended up talking to were just so excited to find a gainfully employed woman who didn't have any kids. Well, at some point I got a message from a guy who was a web developer for a few dating sites and he had accounts to test them. He also, used the site to meet women of course. We started chatting but eventually I just discovered that I wasn't into him. We stopped talking and life went on. Then, randomly I got a message from him about a month later....-S
Meat & Potatoes:
Web Developer (WD): Hey, what are you doing?
Me: Hey, long time no talk. Not much, what's up with you?
WD: I'm just going back through your profile.
Me: Why?
WD: To remind myself what an ugly bitch you are
Me: Is this a joke?
WD: No, you're a fat cow and I don't know what I ever saw in you.
Me: Uhm, we only chatted a couple times and you messaged me first so you must have liked what you saw a bit.
WD: I must have been wasted out of my mind. That's the only reason why I would ever think your disgusting face was attractive. You're so fat you would probably crush me.
Me: Your whole profile is about how you lost like 100 lbs and still had another 60 or so to go before you would stop. Plus, you're still bigger than me, so I don't see how that would even be possible. Plus, your profile is all about being loving toward each other and not causing drama....this seems like the complete opposite of what you're all about. Are you a hypocrite?
WD: Yes...yes I am. You should never waggle your fat fingers over the keyboard ever again to talk to me.
Me: Ok then, I will do that once you stop waggling your fat fingers over the keyboard to stop messaging me.
WD: I'll do whatever I want, and I'll message you with whatever I want to say.
Me: This is a free country but that's a great way to get your ass blocked. Or shall I say your fat ass blocked. I'm pretty sure this is someone hacking a profile, only I'm not sure when the link to a virus is going to happen.
WD: I am the virus, and I infected you with fat cells.
Me: *sigh this is getting less entertaining by the moment. Can't you think of better insults? Like perhaps "I wish you would catch a lethal virus, so you can do the world a favor and die" or maybe "You could use the flu virus a few times to help you drop some weight. At least you would be skinny and ugly, and not fat and ugly". I mean, really...bring your A-game here toots.
WD: I don't have to bring anything to you, you don't deserve it.
Me: Yes, because I deserve to be bothered by a raving loon on someone else's dating site. You do know that he's going to find these chats eventually, right? Then he's going to know who hacked his profile. He's a Web Developer for the site. Seriously. You are a complete moron.
WD: (No response)
Me: Yeah, nothing to say to that? Weak *Block*
Reflection:
About two days later I got a message from a similarly named account to the old one with a few numbers after the handle that went something like this.
WD2: Hey, I just wanted to apologize for what happened the other day. This girl I had been seeing got on my computer and started messaging every girl that I ever talked to on here. Apparently, she was trying to take out the competition by making me look like an ass. I am soo sorry for that. This is why I'm not dating white chicks anymore. They're all crazy (Side note, he's a white guy but very wigger-y)
Me: That's fine, I figured as much. It was entertaining for about 10 minutes. No worries, no hard feelings. Also, crazy knows no race or creed, women can be crazy from any nation and in every skin tone. You just need to avoid crazy chicks in general.
WD2: Yeah, that's true but in my experience all the drama and crazy comes from the white ones. I'm just not going to date them anymore. So how you been?
Me: *Ignore
Not going to date white chicks because they're all crazy?! I'm pretty sure you're single because you just keep dating crazy bitches. However, I hear the crazy ones are great in bed. Maybe that's his real problem, not that white chicks are crazy. Racist bastard. - S
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