Guest Spot: Twofer

Forward From S:
Ladies and Gentlemen, basically all the classy folk who read this fair blog. We have ourselves here a guest spot and it's a twofer. That's right, you get two stories about awkward dates one night after another. Exciting right? Well, welcome our guest blogger P. He's a Bisexual man and he's going on dates with two men. Just a clarification so that the pronoun games don't get too confusing. - S

Foreword From P:
I had been using OKCupid for a long time now. For me personally, it seems like it's either raining dates left and right or I go through a dry spell. However, the rains don't always bring prosperity, as was the case for me around summer of last year.

I had been talking to two guys on OKCupid, and both had agreed to meet up with me. The first guy, who we will call Ryan, was 31 years old and really seemed excited about meeting me. We had a decent conversation going, and we decided to exchange numbers. We began texting, and he asked me if I could send him another picture of myself. I complied, and he responded by telling me I was about the most beautiful guy on the planet. I asked for a picture of him and... was less thrilled with the results. It looked so different than his other picture. Nonetheless, I was still willing to meet him. I mean, he seemed like such a nice guy after all... right?

Guy #2, who we'll call Sam, and I had a brief conversation. He was 22. I don't usually go for younger guys, but I thought he was attractive enough, and he was eager to meet me as well the day after my date with Ryan. I love the feeling I get on first dates and was ready to see where they might lead, as they both seemed somewhat promising.

Meat And Potatoes:
Ryan and I decided to meet at Olive Garden for our first date. I arrived much earlier than he did, and so I sat around waiting for him to text me back. When he finally notified me that he arrived, I went to the door and waited for him. He showed up, dressed rather casually and shook my hand. I don't like to consider myself a superficial person, but I immediately felt little attraction to him. His profile picture and even the one he sent me in a text was nothing compared to the real him. His face was very asymmetrical, and he was shorter than I imagined as well. His teeth weren't crooked, but they were just very mousey, and I got the impression by their color that either he was a heavy coffee drinker or that they hadn't been brushed in a while.

Nonetheless, I'm happy to see where things go. I believe that sometimes a person's inner beauty can shine through and really take you for a whirl. Sadly, that would not be the circumstance this evening.

Ryan and I went in and were seated. We began our conversation, and I immediately knew that Ryan was more interested in telling me about his life than learning about mine. I sat quietly and listened to him go on about his work and life. When he finally asked me about my job, working in a Library, I explained it a little more thoroughly, he responded by telling me how unexciting my job sounded. Thanks Ryan.

Ryan then began to talk about sports. This was a trouble area for me because I knew Ryan was an avid sports fan from his profile, and I was concerned about his response when I told him in the politest way possible that the only enjoyable thing about football to me is watching the muscular men in spandex tackling each other. Ryan didn't surprise me however; when I told him I wasn't really into sports, his response was "This is going to be a problem." I don't think he was kidding either.

By this point in the date, I was ready to leave. This guy was a condescending douche and not very attractive to me at all. But orders had already been placed. We continued to wait for our food in awkward silence, staring at the walls and occasionally asking the first question that popped into our minds.

Finally the food came, and we dug in... well, I dug in. About halfway through my chicken parmesan, I noticed Ryan wasn't eating. "Don't you like the food?" I asked. Ryan then proceeded to lecture me on how he worked in food service and knows how meals are supposed to be made and that the food tasted nothing like the item that was supposed to be ordered, and rather tasted like cheap teriyaki chicken from a Chinese restaurant. He sat silently cross armed like an angry child and waited for the waitress to come over. When she did, he complained to her and immediately demanded to talk to the manager.

By this point I could actually feel my soul leaving my body. I almost stood up and walked out. But if I had friends, I couldn't bring you the riveting ending to our tale, could I? The manager came over, and for ten minutes, Ryan complained to the manager about his food, not because he found a hair in it, not because it was undercooked, but because he didn't like the taste. He then had the gull to offer cooking tips that he wanted the manager to pass on to his cooks so that the pork he ordered would taste better to future diners. I pulled out my phone and texted a friend, telling him about how well my date was going.

The manager profusely apologized and Ryan not only got his meal for free, but also received a gift card for his next visit. Ryan of course never offered to use the gift card for my meal and instead pocketed it. Stay classy, Ryan.

I paid for MY meal, and we left. I normally like to end dates with a hug, but in this case a handshake sufficed. We said goodbye, and never contacted one another again.

The next day, Sam and I met at Panera. This story isn't nearly as funny or exciting... in fact, it was neither. Sam turned out to be very cute, but absurdly short. On top of that, our date was three hours of exhausting discussion, where I asked questions and he responded with a monotone voice. Any other points in our date were filled with uncomfortable silence. When I would try to hint that I was done with our date by saying "Well, I'm sure you've got places to be," he would tell me that he was free all day, and then actually initiate a conversation, preventing me from escaping, until I eventually said "Well, I need to get going." Much like Ryan, we never spoke again.

Reflection:
Often times, when dates fail, I tend to take quite a bit of personal responsibility. I feel like the people I date are a reflection of myself, and when you get two duds in a row who are not only duds, but spectacular duds, it tends to hit your self confidence a little hard.

But I also take dating as a learning experience. I get to know a little bit more about myself with each date I go on.

Ryan was a fine example of someone I wouldn't even want to be friends with. He was a very judgmental and condescending prick. For a while, I wondered if he was so uninterested in me that he actually sabotaged the date on purpose. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that's just the kind of person he was. And that's probably a major reason he was still single. As for Sam, bless his heart, he was a kind person, but I was so bored, my forehead actually became numb during our date.

When it rains, it pours.

-P