Foreword:
Most people talk about the strangers they meet during dating escapades with friends. As you can probably tell, I have a pretty high ratio of share-worthy stories, so it's hard for my friends to keep up. With all of the similarly named people out in the world, I always run into multiples of one name at the same time: Mike, John, Jason, Tim, Ed, D'Mike, D'John... ok, I'm making those up. But at one time, I had 5 new guys named Mike in my life. That's the truth. So, just to keep people straight you have to associate them with something, usually their job. Accountant Tim, Volleyball John, Unemployed Steve... etc etc.
As a side note, have you noticed that there are always a lot of unemployed people on dating sites? Or maybe I just get messaged from so many because I have a good job and manage to stay employed.... also students. Lots and lots of enginerds...... Anyway, enough about that. If you're coming up with nicknames for people, why not make them interesting? My Best Gay Man (BGM) started coming up with hilarious names that stuck really well with everyone. His creativity is one of the many reasons why I love him :-) Anyway, during my time where there were too many people with a name that started with a particular letter, he decided to name one that is a firefighter/EMT "Firecock" and the name stuck. Little did I know that our friendship would stick around for years to come. Here is the tale of Firecock - S
Meat & Potatoes:
So it all begins on my first foray into online dating on Plenty Of Fish (POF) and I am getting messages from your general creeps; old married men looking for a mistress, to your run of the mill unemployed men looking for a sugar momma and let's not forget guys who just bluntly tell you whatever specific sexual thing they want to do with you. Well, in the midst of all of this I end up talking to this kind of boring yet really witty guy who works way too much as a firefighter and EMT. He's more interested in all the crazy stuff I get into since he's a workaholic, and I like telling crazy stories. So it works out well between us. He lives like an hour away and never takes a day off, so getting together as you can guess was very difficult. The first time we decide to hang out he gets his car broken into. The next time he falls asleep because he had worked a double. Even I, being new to this whole thing, gave up on actually ever hanging out. But we enjoy chatting via text from time to time, so we stay in touch.
Our version of staying in touch is to text each other randomly when we're bored and just see what the other has been up to. Concerts, movies, music, travel. You name it, we talk about it. He has a girlfriend here or there, I go through various states of relationships from 2 years to never even making it to the first date lol
However, we seem to be each other's go to bored-texting-friend every few months. We talk for a few days, then we drop off the face of the earth. He's got a young and handsome firefighter's body, so of course these "conversations" sometimes involve pictures of the varying amounts of clothed kind (never exchanging photos when one of us is committed). But about 3 or 4 years into this odd friendship, I am recovering from a minor surgery and have grown tired of this whole thing. Yeah, it's fun to have a text buddy, but I feel that after all this time we should just become real friends or give the actual physical stuff a go.
Again, his schedule doesn't permit for us to hang out. Something that I had decided long ago was bullshit so I started to press the issue this time around. Potentially burning our weird little relationship bridge, but I didn't give a shit at that point. I was just tired of this whole thing. I tell him that we should meet. I was home, bored post surgery, and I kind of still reeling from a bad breakup and a moment in time where I was 'the other woman' with a guy who couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted from me. Needless to say, I was kind of tired of wishy-washy men, so we set up a time to meet. He tells me that I could come to his job and then decides it's a bad idea and flakes. In my head I felt a bit like Samantha from Sex & The City, where she dates the firefighter... but hey it could be worse. What the hell, it's been years now and we haven't ever hung out. I am curious about this man I have been talking to for years but never met. Surprise! He ultimately bails as usual, so I just write it off as never meant to be.
I text him the day after he bails but he doesn't respond, which isn't unusual. I try again when I remember a few months after that. No response again. Well, such is life. I forget all about him, except for when I randomly think about him, per usual. Other than that I've written him off as a mystery that is never to be solved. I pretty much forget about him all together, until one day a few months ago. I installed KIK, this messaging service which got kinda popular. So people I knew started using it one by one. I never delete phone numbers from my phone so occasionally I would get a message that a 'new friend' had joined. If it was someone I never wanted to talk to for whatever reason I would just block them. Occasionally their name would not match what they told me from online, you know the usual bullshit that people do when it comes to 'protecting their identity' during online dating.
Lo and behold, one day I get a message saying that someone I knew just joined. I go to check out the app because I don't recognize the name. Why, according to my phone it's my good friend Firecock! Sporting a completely different real name, and a linked Facebook profile. Isn't that just nice? I laugh my ass off, because I am pretty sure he told me his real name at some point years ago and I told him that he will forever be Firecock to me. I block him via KIK and just go on with my life. I still haven't heard from him, but I'm kind of tempted to send him a link to this article just to see what he would say.... if anything. He probably would find it funny and flattering but if I decide to do that I'll update the blog later on.
Reflection:
So, as I was writing this article I decided to reinstall KIK and sign in to see what is up with Firecock's profile. I look at it, and he has changed his name to Dirk Diggler (I'm totally serious about this). He has a profile photo that, to the trained photographer's eye, lets me know that he's covering up some pretty serious balding. Which, sadly enough I remember him telling me about back when we first started talking. He and I are about the same age (give or take a year) and I can see some aging going on. He's a white guy, and let's be honest, guys don't exactly keep a strenuous beauty routine. Working like a fiend ages you even worse, and well.... minorities tend to age a lot better. Sorry white people, but it's a stereotype and we here at Dating Apocalypse are quite fond of them. Especially when they are an example of being true. Let's be honest, what they told you in grade school about being a special snowflake is bullshit.
Wait... what was I talking about? Oh yeah, so Firecock isn't aging well from the one tiny profile photo I can see, which isn't much. What's worse is he's sporting a pedo stache. Why do people keep growing these things?! Poor guy, no one has told him to shave it off.... oh wait, I did years ago when he had it before. No one listens to me :-(
Anyway.... if you ever stumble upon this Firecock, please... message me back and we can discuss the whole thing. Heck, I'll even update this with your side of things even though I usually am not interested in anyone else's side of the tale. However, out of some perverted loyalty to our once sporadic friendship, I'll let you provide a rebuttal to everyone's now assumption that you were some creeper who is married with like 10 kids posing as your younger brother or son in some kind of male version of TallHotBlond. And yes, that is the Dad from Raising Hope - S
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Private Eye
Foreword:
Well, since we talked about Craigslist last week, you should know that this is going to be a running thing. I have quite a few stories from there. The funny part is that I really only had two points in my life where I felt the urge to take a risk and possibly end up stuffed in a psycho's basement. However, as you've come to learn about me, everything is justified if I'm alleviated from my boredom. So here's another installment. -S
Meat & Potatoes:
So, I was again, single, not sleeping, bored, lonely....so I was looking at the "platonic" section of Craigslist and I came across a guy who was looking for someone to help him hunt down the ninja that keeps stealing the left socks from his dryer. I thought it was hysterical, so I (as always) send an email saying such. He actually responded (that hardly ever happens) and we started chatting. He was a bit odd, but funny and that was fine with me. We decided to have a friendly meal to finally meet. Now, this is a stance I took a long time ago when it came to meeting people for the first time: Whether as a friendly thing, a date, or just something to do, always pick someplace that you know that you'll enjoy. If things go horribly, then at least, you enjoyed your meal. Selfish I know, but that's how I roll.
We met at this fun little hot dog place that I love, and I didn't wear anything special. Just jeans, my chucks, a t-shirt, no makeup, etc. I wasn't trying to impress anyone. He shows up and has on similar attire. But this guy is a strawberry blonde, not that great looking, and has a ginger-shaded red beard in a style called mutton chops. I didn't quite know what to think, but given the conversations that we had, I wasn't surprised. I had discovered that Isaac had floated through life, was in his early 20's like myself, and finally decided that he wanted to be a Private Investigator. I loved Veronica Mars so I thought that was pretty cool. Mostly I loved, and still do, Kristen Bell who is cute as a button and I still hold a tiny crush on the bad boy, Logan, from the show. I don't usually go for bad boys, but for some reason.... I don't know. Maybe it's because I know that in real life Jason Dohring's Father is the creator of Neopets. I'm not ashamed to say that I had an account. They actually have some pretty sweet games. Anyway, later in life I dated a guy who, now that I look at Jason's IMDB page, looks a lot like him. Go me! :-D
Anyway, I digress....back to the meal. Isaac and I end up having a mildly awkward time at first, but eventually we loosened up. This was back when I was still new to this whole online dating/making friends online thing. So, after the meal, we hugged goodbye and that was all there was to it. I had absolutely zero attraction to him. His hair was long and I hate long hair on guys, he wasn't particularly unattractive or attractive... I mean, he wasn't scaring little kids or anything, but long story short, I just wasn't attracted to him. He on the other hand, blew up my phone... email... texts. I liked his personality enough, but I just wasn't that into him. Actually, not into him at all. Sadly, he was absolutely friend zoned and could not escape. I don't know what he was thinking, but I thought that I had made it very clear that it was purely platonic for me. So, I mentioned it again. He played it cool, backed off a bit claiming that he was busy so we stayed friends.
A few weeks later we were chatting late one night and I asked what he was up to that weekend. We hadn't hung out since our meal, but as my schedule is pretty jam packed that's nothing unusual. He told me he was packing for a trip to Florida to see his Dad. I had totally forgotten about it, he had mentioned how excited he was for the trip more than once. Especially since his Dad was paying for everything. I told him I was excited for him and we started chatting about other nonsense and I forgot about it completely. Until Sunday night.
I was online goofing around and he messaged me. Nothing unusual about that, so we chatted a bit. That's when he asked me if I wanted to come to Florida with him. I was shocked and honestly didn't know what to say. About a billion things flashed through my mind; from how I had never been to Florida (Hell, I still haven't lol), to whether or not I could afford it, if I even had enough vacation time socked away. While I was contemplating all these things, he continued to tell me about how he told his Dad about me. Since his Dad is loaded, he said that his Dad would pay the extra money to fly me down with him First Class, would cover everything for the trip, including my own hotel room if I wanted it. I was like....FREE TRIP TO FLORIDA? FUCK YEAH!!! However, after the initial excitement of a free trip to one of my bucket list locations wore off, and he continued to go on about details, I started to think about things further.
1- He had told his Dad about me? I had told NO ONE about him, except for a few choice friends with his contact information should I disappear. I still do that to this day. Yeah, things can be faked, but it makes me feel a bit better about certain risks in my life.
2- What had he told his Dad about me? I was clearly not his girlfriend, as we hung out once and never even kissed.... HELL, we hadn't even held hands. I also made it very clear that we were just friends. However, you don't go telling your parents about your new friends... do you? I'm very close with my Dad, but I don't tell him about all the new people I meet.
3- If I let his Dad pay for my trip down to Florida, what would he/they expect in return? I barely know these guys. I was not (nor am I now) looking for a reverse rock star situation with a son-father duo. I don't know this guy nor his father very well. Going over state lines sounded like a bad idea.
4- Who has the cash to throw around for a friend to also come along when their son is visiting, and send them tickets First Class?!
5- Wait, my own hotel room if I wanted it? Was I expected to bunk with Isaac? Did he tell his Dad I'm his girlfriend?! Is Isaac sharing a room with his Dad? What kind of hotel room would I be in? Motel 6 or The Ritz? The differences are immense and I didn't have any details.
6- The final thought was the clincher though: If something seems to good to be true, it usually is.
So, after all 10 seconds it took me to run through these things mentally, I decided to tell Isaac that I couldn't go, but gently. I told him that he was leaving in 2 days and that I couldn't just go on vacation for a week without letting work know in advance. At least 2 weeks in advance. Unless it was an emergency, or I won a radio show trip, or something. Either way, I had too much to do and that I couldn't just leave with 2 days to prepare.
Instead of seeing my reasonable stance on last minute 1-2 week vacations out of state, he got angry! He told me what a great offer it was, and that I shouldn't pass it up. His Dad was really excited to meet me, there were no strings attached, he knew that we didn't know each other that well, but he felt like we knew each other pretty well because we talked so much, and that if the roles were reversed he would go in a heartbeat. My response was, very gently, to say that my job had a lot of responsibilities and that I couldn't just up and leave without notice. I didn't want to get fired! He said that he understood, but that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I should take it. He also told me that the separate hotel room thing was a valid offer, and that I didn't have to do anything there that I didn't want to. Unless, I wanted to while we were there, but that would be entirely up to me.
If someone had a camera on me they would've gotten the most expressive, confused jaw drop face ever when I read that. All of my suspicions about what HE thought was going on were completely right. He thought that he could just sweep me off my feet to Florida (with his Dad's money, I might add) for vacation and somehow we would fall wildly in love while down there. Honestly, this guy had been watching too many romantic movies. I was completely stumped for a response... until I had the idea to tell him that I would ask my work the next day. He seemed satisfied with that and I told him I was going to bed.
I had no intention of asking about going to Florida at the last minute on some ridiculous romantic getaway that some guy I met off the internet had schemed up. Or, that I would never return. My body could've been dumped in a swamp after being gang raped and murdered by a father and son duo. Or worse.... there was no father, and this guy was doing some kind of twisted Psycho thing and I would end up in some creepy motel keeper's basement. No thank you any way you slice it. However, my gut didn't tell me that this guy was a psycho killer and I did like having him as a friend, so I let him down gently, blaming work and told him to enjoy his trip.
Reflection:
While he was gone we didn't talk at all, which was understandable, and when he returned we chatted a couple times. However, he was cold... short... and distant. I was sad to lose a friend, but I had a feeling that would happen. Eventually, rather than just having an honest talk, he stopped messaging me and getting on Gchat. I felt really bad, because I had somehow managed to break this poor guy's heart, and I had told him that I wanted to be friends. At no point did I remember being flirty with him, unless he took joking as flirting.... but there was no physical contact, or anything along the traditional lines. Poor guy.
I still feel bad to this day, but it's a classic story of someone developing feelings where the other person doesn't. It's life. Sometimes when I think about this whole fiasco, I wonder if I should have went down to Florida and seen what happened. Maybe it would've been fine and his romantic plans would've swept me off my feet. Then, I remember who I am, and that my gut was telling me that something wasn't right. If I had went and nothing happened, I would feel even worse than now. So in the end, to make myself feel better, I tell myself that I avoided being dumped in a swamp. Hooray for self preservation?
I still feel bad to this day, but it's a classic story of someone developing feelings where the other person doesn't. It's life. Sometimes when I think about this whole fiasco, I wonder if I should have went down to Florida and seen what happened. Maybe it would've been fine and his romantic plans would've swept me off my feet. Then, I remember who I am, and that my gut was telling me that something wasn't right. If I had went and nothing happened, I would feel even worse than now. So in the end, to make myself feel better, I tell myself that I avoided being dumped in a swamp. Hooray for self preservation?
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
A Band In Kansas
Foreword:
Like the fearless (or stupid) person I am, I decided one day that I wanted to go to the Abandon Kansas concert at our local tiny dive concert venue, but I didn't want to go alone. I go to a lot of things alone, and I'm fine with it, but sometimes you just want to chill with someone. Call me social....lol Anyway, I decided to make a Craigslist post in the "platonic" section. As none of my friends wanted to go because they were either busy or don't like the band, I didn't care who went with me as long as I didn't get roofied or murdered. As both of those things are very easy to avoid if you take certain precautions but mostly, I was bored and not sleeping much at the time for a lot of reasons, so I had time on my hands to amuse myself with. So, I ended up choosing a partner for the concert and I'll start our tale with the ad and the responses that I got. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
I decided late one night when I couldn't sleep that since my insomnia had allowed me to catch up on all the TV I had wanted to watch, that during the week was the worst because all of my friends went to bed by midnight or 1am. I was looking at the local concert listings to come up with ways to entertain myself when I saw that Abandon Kansas was coming to town. I knew that none of my friends like them, and I'm not a huge fan, but I liked them enough to spend the like $10 (or less?) to get into the show. Plus, they were BOGO free. So, I put up an ad on Craigslist for funsies to see if I could find someone to go with. If nothing else, I would have fun weeding through the responses. I've made a friend here or there from Craigslist, which I know sounds odd but to me it's just like meeting people any other way. I however, have an extensive weed out process. Also, I had found room mates from CL before and I know that there are sane people out there who use the service. It's just all about being safe.
Anyway, so I put up this hilarious and fun ad, and see what happens. I get about 50 responses (which I think is about average) that range from downright creepy to normal sounding dudes. A lot were guys who basically said "Hey I am married, but I totally would go and tell the wife. She would be fine with it" to which I was like, yeah right....no thanks. However, there was one message that was just a photo, with no words, and a photo of a man sitting and you could only see from his chest to his feet. What's strange about this photo is that he's sitting on a toilet....and has an erection, and his pants/underwear down around his ankles. I laughed my ass off and replied simply with "I think that you need more fiber in your diet". Hopefully, that got a chuckle from the man, but I shall never know. Apparently, that's a "thing" or fetish called a blumpkin which I had no idea existed until that moment. Anyway, the two people I narrowed it down to were ironically enough both named Joe (not real names btw), about the same age and from the photos they sent didn't look like they owned a windowless van. Since I intelligently created the post a few days in advance, I got to spend some time emailing and gchatting both of them. I couldn't really decide between the two since I didn't really care and they both seemed harmless, so I flipped a coin. We will call the winner Joey and the loser Jay.
So, I inform Joey that he won the coin toss and that I would meet him out front at blank time and we can go in together. He had neglected to inform me, until the day of the concert, that he had never been to a real concert. Only that he had been to like a symphony type sit down deal. Which I saw as a red flag, but I figured, why not give the man a new experience? So, I told him what I would be wearing and that I would be out front sitting on the bench and that if he wasn't sure if it was me, was running late or he got lost etc to call/text me. I reminded him as well that this was a platonic thing and not a date, and he said he understood and he was excited to hang out.
So, I went to the concert and waited for him to arrive. I played some angry birds, saw a guy come up and look for someone and sure enough it was Joey. He had....used some myspace angles in the photos he sent me and was a very, very large man. Which didn't matter to me since I just wanted to hang out with a friend, but I could tell that when he saw me he was surprised that I'm not horribly disfigured/ugly, so I was like...oh shit. From that point on, he proceeded to drive me nuts. He wanted to talk the entire time, even during the music. If I told him that I couldn't hear him, he would text me. Which I tended to ignore because none of it was important. He complained that he has really sensitive hearing, so he disappeared at one point and came back with toilet paper stuck in his ears. He complained that his legs hurt and he never stands this long (there was nowhere to sit that wasn't at the bar and I wasn't going to deal with that. I wanted to see the band and the show. We weren't super close to the band, there was no mosh pit or anything like that, it was pretty chill. However, he disappeared more than once to get a drink and I told him that I didn't need anything. Not only was a driving, but I didn't trust the guy. He was offended when I didn't let him get me a drink and when I needed to take my meds I take every day I got a glass of water on my own. He was really pissed about that, but I was just being careful. Dude, my safety comes before your feelings. Simple as that.
Once the music would stop playing it would be a nonstop complain fest, with breaks in there to throw in some date type questions. When he finally left to go to the bathroom again or get a refill I started playing angry birds. When he came back I was listening to the music, leaning on a railing and still playing my level. I had like 1 or 2 birds to fling still and so I finished the level, lost horribly and put my phone away to pay attention to the show and music. He proceeded to continue to get on my nerves, until about halfway into the 2nd opener's set he text me to tell me that he was going to meet up with some friends. He asked me if I wanted to go, and I declined since I came to see the next act, which was the main headliner and he left.
I was relieved to have him gone but I was enjoying the concert anyway, so all was well on my end. He proceeded to send me numerous texts after he was gone about how I should meet up with them after the show. That he thought I was awesome. He just felt bad he had no idea what to expect. I said it was all fine in the break before the headliner came on. I was really starting to get annoyed with him constantly texting me even though he left and I ignored his texts for the most part. I was talking with some of my other friends too, so I was checking my phone pretty regularly and I was taking photos with my phone as well so his texts kept popping up. Eventually, he talked about how he was so concerned with me getting to my car safely so late at night. I told him I was a big girl and that I would be fine. He persisted and told me how pretty I was, and other bullshit. I got so pissed that I finally snapped. I was trying to enjoy the show. He had done nothing but piss me off the whole time and now he was supposedly concerned for my safety? When he left and basically wasted my ticket?! If he really cared he would have stayed. Oh. Hellll. No.
I then typed out a message that basically said the following:
Look, Joey. I appreciate your concern for my well being. However, if you really gave a shit whether or not I got safely to my car, you wouldn't have bailed before the headlining act. I don't know what crazy world you live in where you just try and talk over loud noises just for the hell of it, but it really makes me doubt your intelligence. Not only that, but it's extremely annoying to be pestered when you're trying to enjoy a show and someone is needily texting you over a LIVE BAND every two minutes to talk about nothing important at all. Which, was furthermore mostly questions regarding my dating life and I repeatedly informed you that this was strictly a friendly gathering. Also, you left before the main headliner, which really pissed me off because that was the whole reason I was going to the show. Not only did you waste my ticket that I could have used to bring someone who wasn't going to be such a whiny bitch, you tried to convince me to come 'hang out' with your friends and skip the whole reason why I was here. Horribly making a case to convince me to ditch my original plans I might add. If you're going to be such a grade A fucking idiot, at least do it with some style. Not being pissy when I don't finish my level of a video game while we can't even talk to begin with, and you just came back from god knows where for the 10th time. Should you even be driving at this point anyway? I'm pretty sure that you aren't safe to be behind the wheel of a car given how much booze you ingested prior to being insulted when I told you for the 50th time that I don't drink AT ALL when I drive. Especially, pouting when I show back up with a glass of water to take my meds with. Were you angry that I didn't trust a complete stranger to bring me an OPEN CONTAINER OF MYSTERIOUS LIQUID to take my prescribed medications with or did you think that I wasn't sharing some kind of illegal substance with you? I really can't tell what is going on in that pea brain of yours, especially when you agree to go to a rock concert having no idea that we will be standing for the entire time, and have very sensitive hearing on top of your other physical limitations. God damn it, this is just too much to deal with. I'm going to turn my attention to the band that is playing now so that I at least get half of my money's worth out of this evening without some moron ruining my happy time. Now if you'll excuse me, have a nice life and don't ever message me again.
The smartest thing Joey did all night was never respond. I enjoyed the rest of the show and went home. I got online per usual to good around until I went to sleep. Lo and behold Jay sent me a message almost immediately saying "I bet you wish that you had picked me instead". I laughed my ass off and told him the whole story. He told me that he loves it when he's right, and that as a male it seldom happens. We had a wonderful conversation and made plans to get lunch that Saturday. We hit it off at lunch, decided to hit up a movie after and have been really close friends ever since.
Reflection:
In hindsight, that was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. That guy could have drugged me somehow and taken me to his basement lair. I think that internet dating has just kind of made me numb to certain factors. Sadly enough lol However, I have found that public places are the best way to go when you meet someone for the first time regardless of where you met them. All in all, it's been nothing but a great story and a friendship gained. In my book, that's always a win ;-)
Like the fearless (or stupid) person I am, I decided one day that I wanted to go to the Abandon Kansas concert at our local tiny dive concert venue, but I didn't want to go alone. I go to a lot of things alone, and I'm fine with it, but sometimes you just want to chill with someone. Call me social....lol Anyway, I decided to make a Craigslist post in the "platonic" section. As none of my friends wanted to go because they were either busy or don't like the band, I didn't care who went with me as long as I didn't get roofied or murdered. As both of those things are very easy to avoid if you take certain precautions but mostly, I was bored and not sleeping much at the time for a lot of reasons, so I had time on my hands to amuse myself with. So, I ended up choosing a partner for the concert and I'll start our tale with the ad and the responses that I got. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
I decided late one night when I couldn't sleep that since my insomnia had allowed me to catch up on all the TV I had wanted to watch, that during the week was the worst because all of my friends went to bed by midnight or 1am. I was looking at the local concert listings to come up with ways to entertain myself when I saw that Abandon Kansas was coming to town. I knew that none of my friends like them, and I'm not a huge fan, but I liked them enough to spend the like $10 (or less?) to get into the show. Plus, they were BOGO free. So, I put up an ad on Craigslist for funsies to see if I could find someone to go with. If nothing else, I would have fun weeding through the responses. I've made a friend here or there from Craigslist, which I know sounds odd but to me it's just like meeting people any other way. I however, have an extensive weed out process. Also, I had found room mates from CL before and I know that there are sane people out there who use the service. It's just all about being safe.
Anyway, so I put up this hilarious and fun ad, and see what happens. I get about 50 responses (which I think is about average) that range from downright creepy to normal sounding dudes. A lot were guys who basically said "Hey I am married, but I totally would go and tell the wife. She would be fine with it" to which I was like, yeah right....no thanks. However, there was one message that was just a photo, with no words, and a photo of a man sitting and you could only see from his chest to his feet. What's strange about this photo is that he's sitting on a toilet....and has an erection, and his pants/underwear down around his ankles. I laughed my ass off and replied simply with "I think that you need more fiber in your diet". Hopefully, that got a chuckle from the man, but I shall never know. Apparently, that's a "thing" or fetish called a blumpkin which I had no idea existed until that moment. Anyway, the two people I narrowed it down to were ironically enough both named Joe (not real names btw), about the same age and from the photos they sent didn't look like they owned a windowless van. Since I intelligently created the post a few days in advance, I got to spend some time emailing and gchatting both of them. I couldn't really decide between the two since I didn't really care and they both seemed harmless, so I flipped a coin. We will call the winner Joey and the loser Jay.
So, I inform Joey that he won the coin toss and that I would meet him out front at blank time and we can go in together. He had neglected to inform me, until the day of the concert, that he had never been to a real concert. Only that he had been to like a symphony type sit down deal. Which I saw as a red flag, but I figured, why not give the man a new experience? So, I told him what I would be wearing and that I would be out front sitting on the bench and that if he wasn't sure if it was me, was running late or he got lost etc to call/text me. I reminded him as well that this was a platonic thing and not a date, and he said he understood and he was excited to hang out.
So, I went to the concert and waited for him to arrive. I played some angry birds, saw a guy come up and look for someone and sure enough it was Joey. He had....used some myspace angles in the photos he sent me and was a very, very large man. Which didn't matter to me since I just wanted to hang out with a friend, but I could tell that when he saw me he was surprised that I'm not horribly disfigured/ugly, so I was like...oh shit. From that point on, he proceeded to drive me nuts. He wanted to talk the entire time, even during the music. If I told him that I couldn't hear him, he would text me. Which I tended to ignore because none of it was important. He complained that he has really sensitive hearing, so he disappeared at one point and came back with toilet paper stuck in his ears. He complained that his legs hurt and he never stands this long (there was nowhere to sit that wasn't at the bar and I wasn't going to deal with that. I wanted to see the band and the show. We weren't super close to the band, there was no mosh pit or anything like that, it was pretty chill. However, he disappeared more than once to get a drink and I told him that I didn't need anything. Not only was a driving, but I didn't trust the guy. He was offended when I didn't let him get me a drink and when I needed to take my meds I take every day I got a glass of water on my own. He was really pissed about that, but I was just being careful. Dude, my safety comes before your feelings. Simple as that.
Once the music would stop playing it would be a nonstop complain fest, with breaks in there to throw in some date type questions. When he finally left to go to the bathroom again or get a refill I started playing angry birds. When he came back I was listening to the music, leaning on a railing and still playing my level. I had like 1 or 2 birds to fling still and so I finished the level, lost horribly and put my phone away to pay attention to the show and music. He proceeded to continue to get on my nerves, until about halfway into the 2nd opener's set he text me to tell me that he was going to meet up with some friends. He asked me if I wanted to go, and I declined since I came to see the next act, which was the main headliner and he left.
I was relieved to have him gone but I was enjoying the concert anyway, so all was well on my end. He proceeded to send me numerous texts after he was gone about how I should meet up with them after the show. That he thought I was awesome. He just felt bad he had no idea what to expect. I said it was all fine in the break before the headliner came on. I was really starting to get annoyed with him constantly texting me even though he left and I ignored his texts for the most part. I was talking with some of my other friends too, so I was checking my phone pretty regularly and I was taking photos with my phone as well so his texts kept popping up. Eventually, he talked about how he was so concerned with me getting to my car safely so late at night. I told him I was a big girl and that I would be fine. He persisted and told me how pretty I was, and other bullshit. I got so pissed that I finally snapped. I was trying to enjoy the show. He had done nothing but piss me off the whole time and now he was supposedly concerned for my safety? When he left and basically wasted my ticket?! If he really cared he would have stayed. Oh. Hellll. No.
I then typed out a message that basically said the following:
Look, Joey. I appreciate your concern for my well being. However, if you really gave a shit whether or not I got safely to my car, you wouldn't have bailed before the headlining act. I don't know what crazy world you live in where you just try and talk over loud noises just for the hell of it, but it really makes me doubt your intelligence. Not only that, but it's extremely annoying to be pestered when you're trying to enjoy a show and someone is needily texting you over a LIVE BAND every two minutes to talk about nothing important at all. Which, was furthermore mostly questions regarding my dating life and I repeatedly informed you that this was strictly a friendly gathering. Also, you left before the main headliner, which really pissed me off because that was the whole reason I was going to the show. Not only did you waste my ticket that I could have used to bring someone who wasn't going to be such a whiny bitch, you tried to convince me to come 'hang out' with your friends and skip the whole reason why I was here. Horribly making a case to convince me to ditch my original plans I might add. If you're going to be such a grade A fucking idiot, at least do it with some style. Not being pissy when I don't finish my level of a video game while we can't even talk to begin with, and you just came back from god knows where for the 10th time. Should you even be driving at this point anyway? I'm pretty sure that you aren't safe to be behind the wheel of a car given how much booze you ingested prior to being insulted when I told you for the 50th time that I don't drink AT ALL when I drive. Especially, pouting when I show back up with a glass of water to take my meds with. Were you angry that I didn't trust a complete stranger to bring me an OPEN CONTAINER OF MYSTERIOUS LIQUID to take my prescribed medications with or did you think that I wasn't sharing some kind of illegal substance with you? I really can't tell what is going on in that pea brain of yours, especially when you agree to go to a rock concert having no idea that we will be standing for the entire time, and have very sensitive hearing on top of your other physical limitations. God damn it, this is just too much to deal with. I'm going to turn my attention to the band that is playing now so that I at least get half of my money's worth out of this evening without some moron ruining my happy time. Now if you'll excuse me, have a nice life and don't ever message me again.
The smartest thing Joey did all night was never respond. I enjoyed the rest of the show and went home. I got online per usual to good around until I went to sleep. Lo and behold Jay sent me a message almost immediately saying "I bet you wish that you had picked me instead". I laughed my ass off and told him the whole story. He told me that he loves it when he's right, and that as a male it seldom happens. We had a wonderful conversation and made plans to get lunch that Saturday. We hit it off at lunch, decided to hit up a movie after and have been really close friends ever since.
Reflection:
In hindsight, that was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done in my life. That guy could have drugged me somehow and taken me to his basement lair. I think that internet dating has just kind of made me numb to certain factors. Sadly enough lol However, I have found that public places are the best way to go when you meet someone for the first time regardless of where you met them. All in all, it's been nothing but a great story and a friendship gained. In my book, that's always a win ;-)
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Veteran's Day
Foreword:
I know what you're thinking. But S...it's not Veteran's Day! You're absolutely right, but as I sadly missed posting this around last Veteran's Day, I am giving a nod to our men who have and currently fight for our freedom. A-MER-CA! FUCK YEAH! Anyway, really that is just what I wanted to title this one since today's article is about my interaction with one of our great nation's soldiers. -S
Meat & Potatoes:
Nephew Sammy (Sammy): I want to be the 'unicorn" of a lesbian couple in order to be able to avoid dating etc...Never knew that term! Thanks.
Me: You're welcome. My sole purpose in life lately appears to be educating random guys on dating websites on what the term 'unicorn' means :-D I just got tired of telling people so I put it in my profile. :-)
Sammy: It's all good...but it doesn't sound all that bad. (Men always say...)
Me: Being a unicorn or teaching the masses?
Sammy: Being a unicorn. And teaching the masses.
Me: LOL I am a wealth of useless knowledge, so I'm used to it. I've done the whole being an uncommitted third thing before, but it just isn't for me. I've got friends who are really into the poly/swinger lifestyle but it's too complicated for my tastes lol Too many jealousy issues and insecurities...blech, I like my dating life simple.
Sammy: See and here I am trying to meet people to try to experience that to try something new besides the one on one thing.
Me: Well if you're into that kind of thing there's a whooooollleee community of people into it. You just have to find them ;-) Try Fetlife. You'll be better looking than 90% of the people there. You should do fine. (Seriously, he was better looking than a lot of people I've seen in the community. This is solely based upon my personal experiences.)
Sammy: I'm on there...hasn't really worked out...
Me: Oh really? Hrm, I wonder if you've been messaging the people I know. Well, the main person I know there is a guy. He's got a gf though, you tend to do better on there if you're attached I've heard. Hasn't worked out, like you haven't met anybody good or aren't getting responses?
Sammy: I got some responses, but like you said, single guys don't do well because I guess they think we are just looking for sex or whatever. I guess when you think about it, there has to be a bunch of lonely horny dudes messaging the crap out of most of these girls.
Me: Well, if you're on that site with the sole purpose to make a threesome happen, they're not wrong lol Unless you're searching for a Ms. Right and she's also Bi/wants to participate in them...even still, you can see where they would be wary of you. Oh, and there are horny lonely dudes messaging the crap out of girls on every dating site regardless of sexual orientation/theme etc lol At least I get those.
Sammy: Good points. Don't really have a whole lot of horny girls messaging the crap out of me though.
Me: Well duh lol If a woman wants an orgasm she just needs her trusty battery powered item(s). Guys don't always give a girl one and a sex toy is STD risk 0% lol Besides, if a woman wants to get laid it's gonna happen. Guys (in general, take it easy men) are easy :-D
Sammy: We are not...at least not all of us. (Aww, he is half-heartedly defending people...which probably aren't him) Plus we have toys as well, ever heard of a Fleshlight?
Me: Not all guys are easy lol I know you guys have toys too :-p I'm just saying. Yes I've heard of them I have plenty of guys friends who are gay, that love that thing.
Sammy: It has nothing to do with being gay. Fleshlight is a rubber vagina flashlight thing straight dudes like myself have one as well. Gay dudes just get the ass hole insert. (Now who is making blanket assumptions? lol Maybe gay men only like vagina if it's not attached to a woman. Maybe they can get it cheaper as a combo pack. Maybe they just sometimes want to switch things up. I'm not a gay man, I don't know.)
Me: Uhm, I didn't say it was a gay thing. I just said I have a bunch of gay guy friends who like it. Don't be so defensive.
Sammy: I'm sorry. I get very defensive when it comes to my Fleshlight. We have a very special relationship. (*opens mouth to make a smartass comment* Nope, nope...too obvious)
Me: File this under: Things you don't expect to hear...ever lol What an odd conversation. Never thought I would be discussing pocket pussies on here haha anyway, I'm not sure if I'm what you're looking for? At least your profile seems like you're looking for a girl who is super super super outdoorsy. I go outside and play, don't get me wrong but I've never really been one of those "Into The Wild" kind of people. I'll go hiking, play sports outside, do an obstacle course (the zipline one is fun down by Hocking Hills, although I did not fall once lol), I've always wanted to go skydiving, but...as crazy as I am you seem to want someone who wants to be outside all weekend and I'm more....I enjoy being outside with a purpose. Does that make sense? I dunno, maybe I'm interpreting your profile differently. Or are you just hoping that I can lead you to the land of threesomes? (Although I was enjoying this entertaining conversation, I didn't want him to get his hopes up or anything. I am so very much not what his profile was looking for.)
Sammy: I've already had 3some, 4some and multiple of 5somes. *bunch of phone error talk because his phone is screwing up*
Me: LOL reboot your phone! Download an update! Curse the tiny gremlins who live inside microchips!
Sammy: But, what I was trying to say is that I am NOT looking for anything at all. (Buzzkill, way to ignore my funny moment there) I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I'm not looking for 3somes, I have fulfilled that fantasy many times over and been in enough 5somes with 4 other girls that I don't think can be topped. I simply get on this app when I am bored. You just never know when you're going to get to have an awesome conversation about pocket pussies. (What ho, a compliment?!) And every once in a while you get the occasional tit pic. (So clearly hinting that he wants some dirty photos, which I ignore obviously) Which I like. Also, it looks like that read I have been enough threesomes which is a lie. I have been in enough 5somes. (Things I never expected to hear in a conversation...ever....lol)
Me: You must be bored a lot lol Well, that's one thing I'm good for, unconventional conversations. Yeah, romantically I'm on here the same as everyone else. Otherwise, I'm fine with making friends. I just wanted to figure out what your intentions were. I get the occasional creeper who is like..nice rack, want to help me find someone for both of us to enjoy? I'm like....uhh, thanks for the compliment? lol
Sammy: Dude, I have no intentions on this website. Fuck <insert dating website name here>!!! Entertainment purposes only. For all I know you could have a penis. Also, there's only one picture that really even shows your rack, but it does look nice from that angle. (Aww, he did notice. *sniffle I feel so special!)
Me: You are an angry one. And I do have a penis. A giant one. I just move my ankle when I have to adjust. Sucks never being able to wear shorts though :-( Oh, and this site is 99% entertainment for me too. The stories I could tell....(and am doing now! :-D)
Sammy: I am ranging on steroids.
Me: That's not good. It'll shrink your balls dude. Other bad side effects and such.
Sammy: HAHA I don't roid but I am a little grumpy.
Me: Awww, why are you grumpy? You look so happy in your photo with a baby cheetah. (No shit, his main photo involved him holding a cheetah cub. If anything could make the Grinch's heart grow 4 sizes, it would be that photo. I'll provide it below)
Sammy: I just got 2 hours of sleep last night. Woke up, drove 2.5 hours to this golf course north of Toledo and have been in the sun and 95 degree heat since 1100 and now I have to drive home and I am beyond worn out. I may take a nap in a parking lot before I start driving.
Me: Holy shit, I don't blame you lol I would just stay overnight up there or something. That's a lot. Also a recipe for you falling asleep at the wheel.
Reflection:
And that my friends is when he stopped responding. I am thinking he either took a nap, got bored or crashed his car. You can pick his fate in this create your own adventure by selecting one of the three prompts on your screen....
Anyway, I am always surprised where conversations take me on a regular basis. By far, this one was on my favorites. Plus, baby animal photos are always a plus. Dawwwww! I wish that I had saved a better photo than the tiny one I had, but it inadvertently blurs everything which protects his privacy. You can kind of make out the adorableness that is the cheetah cub from the photo though. :-)
I know what you're thinking. But S...it's not Veteran's Day! You're absolutely right, but as I sadly missed posting this around last Veteran's Day, I am giving a nod to our men who have and currently fight for our freedom. A-MER-CA! FUCK YEAH! Anyway, really that is just what I wanted to title this one since today's article is about my interaction with one of our great nation's soldiers. -S
Meat & Potatoes:
Nephew Sammy (Sammy): I want to be the 'unicorn" of a lesbian couple in order to be able to avoid dating etc...Never knew that term! Thanks.
Me: You're welcome. My sole purpose in life lately appears to be educating random guys on dating websites on what the term 'unicorn' means :-D I just got tired of telling people so I put it in my profile. :-)
Sammy: It's all good...but it doesn't sound all that bad. (Men always say...)
Me: Being a unicorn or teaching the masses?
Sammy: Being a unicorn. And teaching the masses.
Me: LOL I am a wealth of useless knowledge, so I'm used to it. I've done the whole being an uncommitted third thing before, but it just isn't for me. I've got friends who are really into the poly/swinger lifestyle but it's too complicated for my tastes lol Too many jealousy issues and insecurities...blech, I like my dating life simple.
Sammy: See and here I am trying to meet people to try to experience that to try something new besides the one on one thing.
Me: Well if you're into that kind of thing there's a whooooollleee community of people into it. You just have to find them ;-) Try Fetlife. You'll be better looking than 90% of the people there. You should do fine. (Seriously, he was better looking than a lot of people I've seen in the community. This is solely based upon my personal experiences.)
Sammy: I'm on there...hasn't really worked out...
Me: Oh really? Hrm, I wonder if you've been messaging the people I know. Well, the main person I know there is a guy. He's got a gf though, you tend to do better on there if you're attached I've heard. Hasn't worked out, like you haven't met anybody good or aren't getting responses?
Sammy: I got some responses, but like you said, single guys don't do well because I guess they think we are just looking for sex or whatever. I guess when you think about it, there has to be a bunch of lonely horny dudes messaging the crap out of most of these girls.
Me: Well, if you're on that site with the sole purpose to make a threesome happen, they're not wrong lol Unless you're searching for a Ms. Right and she's also Bi/wants to participate in them...even still, you can see where they would be wary of you. Oh, and there are horny lonely dudes messaging the crap out of girls on every dating site regardless of sexual orientation/theme etc lol At least I get those.
Sammy: Good points. Don't really have a whole lot of horny girls messaging the crap out of me though.
Me: Well duh lol If a woman wants an orgasm she just needs her trusty battery powered item(s). Guys don't always give a girl one and a sex toy is STD risk 0% lol Besides, if a woman wants to get laid it's gonna happen. Guys (in general, take it easy men) are easy :-D
Sammy: We are not...at least not all of us. (Aww, he is half-heartedly defending people...which probably aren't him) Plus we have toys as well, ever heard of a Fleshlight?
Me: Not all guys are easy lol I know you guys have toys too :-p I'm just saying. Yes I've heard of them I have plenty of guys friends who are gay, that love that thing.
Sammy: It has nothing to do with being gay. Fleshlight is a rubber vagina flashlight thing straight dudes like myself have one as well. Gay dudes just get the ass hole insert. (Now who is making blanket assumptions? lol Maybe gay men only like vagina if it's not attached to a woman. Maybe they can get it cheaper as a combo pack. Maybe they just sometimes want to switch things up. I'm not a gay man, I don't know.)
Me: Uhm, I didn't say it was a gay thing. I just said I have a bunch of gay guy friends who like it. Don't be so defensive.
Sammy: I'm sorry. I get very defensive when it comes to my Fleshlight. We have a very special relationship. (*opens mouth to make a smartass comment* Nope, nope...too obvious)
Me: File this under: Things you don't expect to hear...ever lol What an odd conversation. Never thought I would be discussing pocket pussies on here haha anyway, I'm not sure if I'm what you're looking for? At least your profile seems like you're looking for a girl who is super super super outdoorsy. I go outside and play, don't get me wrong but I've never really been one of those "Into The Wild" kind of people. I'll go hiking, play sports outside, do an obstacle course (the zipline one is fun down by Hocking Hills, although I did not fall once lol), I've always wanted to go skydiving, but...as crazy as I am you seem to want someone who wants to be outside all weekend and I'm more....I enjoy being outside with a purpose. Does that make sense? I dunno, maybe I'm interpreting your profile differently. Or are you just hoping that I can lead you to the land of threesomes? (Although I was enjoying this entertaining conversation, I didn't want him to get his hopes up or anything. I am so very much not what his profile was looking for.)
Sammy: I've already had 3some, 4some and multiple of 5somes. *bunch of phone error talk because his phone is screwing up*
Me: LOL reboot your phone! Download an update! Curse the tiny gremlins who live inside microchips!
Sammy: But, what I was trying to say is that I am NOT looking for anything at all. (Buzzkill, way to ignore my funny moment there) I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I'm not looking for 3somes, I have fulfilled that fantasy many times over and been in enough 5somes with 4 other girls that I don't think can be topped. I simply get on this app when I am bored. You just never know when you're going to get to have an awesome conversation about pocket pussies. (What ho, a compliment?!) And every once in a while you get the occasional tit pic. (So clearly hinting that he wants some dirty photos, which I ignore obviously) Which I like. Also, it looks like that read I have been enough threesomes which is a lie. I have been in enough 5somes. (Things I never expected to hear in a conversation...ever....lol)
Me: You must be bored a lot lol Well, that's one thing I'm good for, unconventional conversations. Yeah, romantically I'm on here the same as everyone else. Otherwise, I'm fine with making friends. I just wanted to figure out what your intentions were. I get the occasional creeper who is like..nice rack, want to help me find someone for both of us to enjoy? I'm like....uhh, thanks for the compliment? lol
Sammy: Dude, I have no intentions on this website. Fuck <insert dating website name here>!!! Entertainment purposes only. For all I know you could have a penis. Also, there's only one picture that really even shows your rack, but it does look nice from that angle. (Aww, he did notice. *sniffle I feel so special!)
Me: You are an angry one. And I do have a penis. A giant one. I just move my ankle when I have to adjust. Sucks never being able to wear shorts though :-( Oh, and this site is 99% entertainment for me too. The stories I could tell....(and am doing now! :-D)
Sammy: I am ranging on steroids.
Me: That's not good. It'll shrink your balls dude. Other bad side effects and such.
Sammy: HAHA I don't roid but I am a little grumpy.
Me: Awww, why are you grumpy? You look so happy in your photo with a baby cheetah. (No shit, his main photo involved him holding a cheetah cub. If anything could make the Grinch's heart grow 4 sizes, it would be that photo. I'll provide it below)
Sammy: I just got 2 hours of sleep last night. Woke up, drove 2.5 hours to this golf course north of Toledo and have been in the sun and 95 degree heat since 1100 and now I have to drive home and I am beyond worn out. I may take a nap in a parking lot before I start driving.
Me: Holy shit, I don't blame you lol I would just stay overnight up there or something. That's a lot. Also a recipe for you falling asleep at the wheel.
Reflection:
And that my friends is when he stopped responding. I am thinking he either took a nap, got bored or crashed his car. You can pick his fate in this create your own adventure by selecting one of the three prompts on your screen....
Anyway, I am always surprised where conversations take me on a regular basis. By far, this one was on my favorites. Plus, baby animal photos are always a plus. Dawwwww! I wish that I had saved a better photo than the tiny one I had, but it inadvertently blurs everything which protects his privacy. You can kind of make out the adorableness that is the cheetah cub from the photo though. :-)
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