Bubble Tea & Locked Doors

Foreword:

I've been on a couple of the free dating websites off and on since my college boyfriend and I finally broke up for the last time (maybe some day I’ll write about him, but not yet) and this story comes from my very first round of online dating.  The first site I signed up for was Plenty Of Fish (or POF) which I later discovered is more of a hook up site.  Well, I got a LOT of interested guys because the site was filled with (from what I was told) fat, ugly women who are unemployed and have kids.  I being a homeowner, single, with a decent job and am kinda funny seemed to be someone everyone wanted to snag, especially the plethora of unemployed men looking for a sugar momma.  I don’t make THAT much money so why they thought this was feasible or something I would be ok with I have no idea.  Although, I wouldn't mind having a stay at home hubby if I made enough money :-D

However, men are men and some were just looking for ass behind a ruse of ‘we statements’ and then there’s just the trolls who hide nothing.  Of all the guys you can get on there, I find that the ones I appreciate the most are the ones who are honest in any capacity.  That and the ones just looking for ass seem to be the most hilarious stories.  Either way, this guy has to take the cake for the most pretentious and brutally honest of the ‘ass seekers’, and yet the most rapey/creepy at the same time.  I know you’re saying WTF?! right now, but it will all make sense once you reach the end. - S

Meat & Potatoes:

This guy I’ll refer to as Jazz Hands messaged me one day and we started talking.  I’m a music geek and I sang from 5th grade through college as a non-music major, so musicians and I tend to get along.  That is, until their pretentiousness and ego show up and I feel the need to cut them down a few pegs.  However, this guy seemed down to earth, didn't talk about himself and his craft too excessively, so I agreed to meet him.  All went well, and he had never had Bubble Tea so I suggested this one near one of my favorite Korean restaurants.  We were talking on instant messenger ahead of time and this is what happened.

Jazz Hands:  I’m going to leave soon, it’ll take me about 20 minutes to get there.

Me:  Ok, just tell me when you’re leaving.  Do you still have the address?

*5 mins later*  Hello?

JH:  Yeah sorry, one minute, I’m jacking off.

Me:  HAHA *30 second pause*  (Oh, you’re serious?!?!  What?!?!…LMFAO)

JH:  All done and cleaned up, I’m leaving now.

Me:  Ok (Here is where I seriously contemplated just not showing up.  However, I wasn't 100% sure he was serious, and I wanted bubble tea, so I was like...fuck it)

I get to the bubble tea place before him and I’m looking at the menu when he shows up.  First of all, he’s bald now, and his photo has him with hair.  Second, he looked more...muscly/toned in his photos and had boxing wraps on.  He wasn't horribly ugly or anything, wasn't like fat or that different, he just picked a couple photos that were obscured/blurry and didn't...represent what he looked like in person.  I figure, what the hell, he has been funny thus far and we’re already here.  So why not?  We ordered our drinks and sat on a couple chairs (him in an armchair and me on a couch caddy corner to him)  for the start of general ‘first meeting’ chit chat.  I will say this, the online dating profile thing does get a lot of the preliminary stuff taken care of, provided that you both take the time to read the whole thing or even part of it.  Something, that I discovered doesn't always happen with guys.  Him in particular was no exception, so I recounted myself and my life to him until he changes the subject.  

JH:  So, I might have to cut this short, I just realized about halfway here that I left my door to my apartment unlocked.

Me:  Uhm, do you want to go fix that now?

JH:  No, I’ll just have to leave eventually.  If I go home, I won’t come back most likely since it’ll just use up too much gas and gas is expensive.

Me:  Ok….(Why didn't he just turn around and go home halfway here and apologize to me for being late?  He has my phone number.)

So, I change the subject to kill the awkwardness and we start talking about music and he talks about why he changed from being a professional musician to doing other stuff.  It had a lot to do with job security, health benefits, no savings and being poor all the time.  I asked him if he still played etc and he sees my eyes go a bit glassy/glazed as I zone out a bit with him talking about all the places he’s been and yata yata.  I’m not a huge Jazz fan, at least not enough to know the people he was talking about, so I was bored and being polite.  He notices that I’m just being polite and stops talking.   

JH:  I can talk about Jazz all day, and I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass.

Me:  Oh, I know you weren't trying to.  I just don’t know much about Jazz….

JH:  I could blow smoke up your ass.  I've gotten plenty of women before doing it, I was just letting you know I’m not trying to.

Me: (Puzzled)  Uh, ok….I believe you.

JH:  *checks phone*  Oh, by the way I am going to leave now.  I’m just nervous that my landlord is going to go into my apartment.  (<------- WHAT?!  WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?!)  He’s been trying to enter it without giving me notice all the time and that’s just not cool.  So I changed the lock and haven’t given him a new key yet. (<--- The fuck?  What is wrong with this guy?!)

Me:  Well, I understand.  It was nice meeting you.  I’m probably going to go get Korean food now.  

JH:  You could come back with me.

Me:  To your apartment?

JH:  Well, technically I live in the bottom half of the house of the landlord, but yes.  I would drive.  (Ok, NOW I’m starting to get creeped out)

Me:  No offense, but I don’t get in the car with men I just met to go back to their subbasement layer.  I don’t really know you, and that’s how people become the subject of Lifetime movies and national news headlines like “Woman, kept in basement for 10 years”.

JH:  HAHA Oh, I wouldn't do that.....unless you wanted me to....*winks* (..................................................................*gulp*...............is he joking? Dear sweet baby Jesus, I sure as holy hell hope so.)

Me:  Thanks anyway.  (My mouth decided to say this next part without checking my brain)  If you want to come back and get Korean food with me, you’re more than welcome.  It’s just two stores down from here in the plaza. (WTF MOUTH! WHY ARE YOU NOT FILTERING? Ok...I barely have a filter to begin with, but why are we being polite to the potential ax murderer? No! Stop! No! ABORT! ABORT!)

JH:  Probably not, but I’ll message you later.  If you want to change your mind, you’re welcome to join me and I’ll give you my address....

Me:  (Really?! REALLY?! OH HEEELLLLSSS NO! I'm too creeped out for words now)  Uh, thanks for the offer, but I’m really hungry and Korean is one of my favorites…. (Ok, brain, I see what you're doing here now. Politeness, so he doesn't wait in the parking lot to steal you....thinking that he might have a chance to make this happen another time.<--- Seemed like good logic at the time, but honestly if he wanted to chloroform me in the parking lot he could do it whenever anyway and just wait...)

JH:  Ok, later!

Reflection:

He left without a hug goodbye, or anything...I don’t even remember if we hugged hello or shook hands or what.  Kind of odd, considering he probably wanted to take me home to seduce me.  Or rape me...or keep me in his basement and keep me as a sex slave…  Whatever.

I luckily brought a book with me in case he was late or didn’t show up, so I read while I ate my delicious Korean food.  I messaged him once more via Yahoo messenger to see if everything went ok and because I was bored.  He didn’t respond.  I got a message from him one day while I wasn’t signed in saying that it went fine, and that he wasn’t at his computer when I messaged him.  (Back then it would give you the message next time you signed on)  He never called, emailed, nothing after that.  So, I wrote him off and I’m ok with that.  I’m not entirely sure that he would’ve kept me in his basement, or if his landlord really is crazy or what.  

He was one of the first people (if not the first person) I met in person from POF and I’m surprised that I wasn’t turned off from online dating forever.  My mentality back then was that I had somehow survived my encounter with a potential psycho killer by being smart, staying safe and more importantly not being an idiot.  Instead of what probably any normal person would do which was disable my account and write off online dating, I kept going and meeting these crazy people that you get stories about.  Maybe it’s being the daughter of a Psychologist, or that I find crazy people fascinating, or it could be that I’m just in turn crazy.  Either way, this is one of the things that helped me carve out my online dating experiences from that point forward.  

Sub-basement dwelling potential psycho killer/rapist/musician - 0

Me - 1

If I were to actually keep score, the descriptors for all of the strange/different guys that I’ve encountered over the years would include so many descriptors that it would read like a Micro-Machines commercial….

Sub-basement dweller/potential psycho killer or rapist/musician/roid raged juice heads/burlesque obsessed bull-dyke/virgins of all flavors/country bumpkin(s)/whiney mangina(s)/aspie guy who thinks I’m one too/British virgin with a specific set of fetishes/magician with a weird oedipus complex/ginger brother husband(s)/man wanting to buy my panties/lesbian in desperate need of a makeover/private eye with a vacation option/furries/bronies………..and so much more - 0

Me - 42 (No, that’s not an actual number.  It’s just THE ANSWER)

<====3 $5, $5, $5 FOOTLOOOONNNGGGG 8====>

Foreword:

I went to Boston and I've been out of town before with the 'mobile apps' and 'locals'.  Lots of people checking out your profile via locals along the way via car etc  Nothing really exciting comes from it.  Maybe some compliments, a few creepers asking what you’re up to.  However, while in Boston I had tons of guys trolling me looking for ass.  I’m self proclaimed average looking, but these guys had only one photo and it involved just a mirror shot of their chest and abs.  We’re talking nothing less than an 8 pack…..I was very very flattered.  The whole city was filled with nerdy-cute men, which are my Achilles heel.  However, this one particular guy was funny, witty, had a like 25 pack with the cut and a nice face.  He was located in Virginia but wanted to just 'chat' via text. Of course, he seemed safe from a few hundred miles away...well, I’ll just let you read what happened. - S

Meat & Potatoes:

$5 Footlong:  Hey sexy.  How you doing today?

Me:  Hi.  I’m assuming this is $5 Footlong from OKC, the shirtless one? lol

$5:  Yeah.  How’s your day going?

Me:  Good :-)  I’m getting ready to get lunch.  How’s your day?

$5:  Good, you’re in Boston?

Me:  Yep :-)  Why so surprised? lol

$5:  I’m here!  We should have some fun together!  (<-- Pretty sure he means sex but I’ll flirt a bit, maybe I can just go dancing with him and check out the hotness in person before he rejects my sub-par ass.  Ok, my ass is above par, just me as a whole is sub-par lol)

Me: Perhaps.  We’re supposed to go out somewhere but I dunno where.

$5:  Maybe we can meet up and dance (YESSSSSS!) I bet grinding you is fun

Me:  I haven’t had any complaints ;-)  Sounds like a plan.  I’ll let you know when we decide :-D

$5:  You don’t mind I’m a big guy?

Me:  Big...penis?  I’m assuming you mean your cock is 10 inches by your profile. (It had ‘10in’ as part of the screen name) I don't know, I haven't had anything that big before lol

$5:  Nice

Me:  You've had problems before with girls?

$5:  Ya

Me:  Aaaah well lol  We might go karaoke instead.  Also, I’m not promising to screw you :-P

*crickets*

Afterthoughts:

I am not sure if me changing the activity for the night made him think that I changed my mind, or if he thought that I was a sure thing.  My innocent self thinking we could just dirty dance is usually wrong.  Oh well, at least in a roundabout way it was a compliment….it means that he thought I was bangable lol  That was fun for 10 minutes.  I should have led him on and asked for more photos.  Hindsight is 20-20.  Next time lol

As an added bonus, he randomly texted me about a week after I got back seeing if I was back home.  I told him I was indeed back home and he proceeded to tell me that he wishes we had danced.  I agreed, and he randomly sent me a naked photo of himself.  This is the facial reaction of all my friends I showed the photo =>  0.0  o_o  o.O  o.o  o_0  ^_^  

Yes ladies and gentlemen, he was THAT big.  Dude’s schlong was almost to the knee.  There is just so much going on in this photo that you see the penis first, then the longer you look at the damn photo to figure out if it’s real the shock wears off.  Then you see his amazing abs, nice face, nice hair etc There’s just a LOT going on in the photo.  Why of course I will post it here with censored black boxes over the naughty bits and his face.  Scroll way down to see it.

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o=========>  (Lance Armstrong’s penis)

o=============> (Oh, c’mon...you had to know that I was going to do that)

Actual conversation with my guy friend who is super conservative/shy/easily blushes...we all have one, right?  You take the extra times to say dirty things to them just to make them blush.  Well, this is an actual conversation via text between the two of us.

S: <======3  <---Penis!

S:  :-o-8-<  <=8->-(-:  Ignore the fact that she has no arms and he has no legs.  It’s apparently disabled people having sex.  Or rather, about to have sex.

C: You’ve ruined the number 8 for me forever

WINNNNNN!!!!!!!

Ok, and now the moment you’ve been waiting for……………….

Full Of Something That Isn't The Spirit

Foreword:  

Sometimes when you're reading a profile you overlook things because you are interested in them overall or just don't think it's a big deal. I am here to tell you that you should NOT ignore that. People are putting their flaws up them for you to judge them, so don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Take their (conscious or subconscious) help.

As a side note, sometimes I will add commentary in the body of the conversation, letting you know what I thought at that moment. It will be in red. -S

Meat & Potatoes:

Mr. Defensive:  Hi :-)  I read your profile and I am interested in communicating with you.  Let me know if you are interested and feel free to ask me anything you want to know.  Hope to hear from you!

Me:  Hi!  I read your profile, and it seems that you’re super religious.  I am not.  I also saw in your questions, that you won’t ever date someone who has had homosexual sex.  Being bisexual, means that I have.  Also, I am very much not a virgin.  Just curious as to why you decided to message me, as I don’t feel like I’m what you’re looking for.  Thanks!

Mr. Defensive:  Super religious?  Just because I believe in God and like church doesn’t mean I’m a psycho hun.  And, opinions change.  If I messaged you, that means I READ your profile and am INTERESTED.  But, I don’t want a judgmental person with an attitude anyway.  You are right, you aren’t what I’m looking for. (Oh, no he DID-N’T….I was being nice, but fuck that now)

Me:  Let me begin by saying that I did not at any point call you a psycho, or a bible thumper etc. I just pointed out things that I noticed in your profile and asked you about it. You are the one who jumped to conclusions and I add, got very defensive. So far, you are the one with the 'attitude' and who is being hostile, including a snarky reply complete with shouting.

Just some food for thought, these dating websites are set up for people to be judgmental. You put all the information out there, answer questions, and should expect to be judged based on what you put out there. If circumstances or opinions change, update it. Your profile is not set in stone. Those of us looking at your profile are not mind readers and the information you provide is all they have to go on. Obviously, if I read your profile and decided to ask for clarification you should have realized that if I didn't want to know I would have just ignored you or just said no thanks. So, all of that being said, I do remember you saying that you don't like hyper-logical people. There is apparently a reason for that, which I can only deduce is because you have the inability to logically look at things and not let your emotions color things in a way they were not intended. I was right in the first place, we are clearly not meant for each other. I do however, wish you the best of luck in your efforts to find someone that fits you. Please don't message me again.

Mr. Defensive:  If you don't like what I am, you shouldn't have messaged me in the first place. Go find a sisterboy.  You didn’t have to reply. (What the FUCK is a 'sisterboy'?!)

Me:  I never said that I hated who you are or said anything even remotely of that manner. I was asking for clarification for things that didn't make sense based on the information you have provided. Again, no I didn't have to reply but I did. Your reaction to my inquiries told me exactly what I needed to know and more. I have expressed everything I have to say on this matter. Have a nice life and I really do hope that you find someone who fits you.​

Mr. Defensive:  You didn’t have to reply.

Three weeks later, rated my profile 4 out of 5 stars….o.O

Reflection: 

Things I learned from this experience:

1- I asked myself "What the HELL is a 'sisterboy'?!" Well, the answer is a boy, that you have a relationship with that's like having a sister. So, because I wasn't interested in him, I was looking for a sisterboy? Uhm, I already have a bunch of gay men who function that way in my life.... Was he trying to tell me to go be a fag hag or a fruit fly without actually trying to seem homophobic? I have no idea, but I learned a new word thanks to him.

2- If someone's profile has them getting defensive about an aspect of themselves then they are super touchy about it and I should NOT overlook it.

3- Apparently, I get a lot of virgins who think that I can show them the 'ropes' or whatever.

4- People often lie about what is in their profile because they know that others can see it. I knew that happened, but I didn't really take the time to think about how hypocritical people can be. At least the guys trolling for ass who leave their profile blank are being honest in a way. You know what they're after lol

Urban Dictionary That Shit!

Foreword:  

Another chat that probably happened when I was surfing the web late one night. Conversations like the ones I'm posting here are why people keep the chat options off on dating websites. Lucky for my own personal amusement, I find them hilarious rather than scary. - S

Meat & Potatoes:

Writer Guy (WG):  Bet you give GREAT head ;)

Me:  Well, that is quite an opening line.  What makes you think that?

WG:  Well for some reason, short and curvy seems to equate to “better in bed”.  Also, you have great DSL’s

Me:  What are DSL’s?

WG:  Google “DSL, slang”

Me:  Of course I could do that, but you’re the one who used it.  I figured you would be able to express it quickly and efficiently since you’re a fellow writer.  Oh well, Urban Dictionary explained it for me.  Apparently I knew “dick sucking lips”, I just never have seen it shortened like that.

WG:  HAHA, touche.  Just figured you’d like to scour the results.  Anyway, those are the details that make me think that

Me:  Well thanks for the compliment, but I just don’t see how you telling me what I can do for you is going to lure me out of the comfort of my own home.  I know men are selfish creatures but…;-)  I am curious to know how successful you are with opening a conversation that way though.  Logically, if I were in someone else’s shoes, trying to get a hookup started I would say something like “I want you to sit on my face” or “I’ve been told I eat pussy like a lesbian”.

WG:  We definitely are, but I didn’t mean tonight...don’t leave the comfort of your own home to suck the dick of a stranger on the internet.

Me:  Sadly, I have heard from guys that girls do that kind of thing.  I didn’t inquire as to what kind of antibiotics they needed afterward...or if their contracted disease was incurable :-D

WG:  LOL good point.  But, to answer your question, yes it does work.  Weeds out those who aren’t interested.

Me:  Awww, come on now…you’re a decent looking fellow.  You need to be a bit more creative I would think.  I mean, it’s not like I have any experience picking up women...oh wait, I do ;-)

WG:  Also, “you look like you give great head” doesn’t necessarily mean “I want you to suck my cock and leave”.  It mostly means “I want to eat your pussy and fuck you until you cream on my cock so you can suck your own pussy juices off and taste what I’ve had the pleasure of tasting”  or something similar.  And thanks for the compiment :-) Same to you.

Me:  HAHA, ok, now...I know you’re bullshitting and backtracking trying to cover your tracks.  We both know that is not the hidden meaning behind that original comment.  A+ for effort though.

WG:  Honestly, no...the hidden meaning is just that I want a girl who can give great head because you would be surprised by how many are utterly horrible at it.

Me:  If that were the ‘read between the lines’ kind of thing women assumed, they would always be disappointed :-D  HAHA You know what, I have heard that from many guys.  Girls are always like…”you won’t have that problem with me” or “I’ve never had any complaints”, but it’s such a crap shoot.

WG:  This is true.  If they’ve never had a complaint it’s because guys don’t have the heart to complain.

Me:  Likewise LOL  It’s just easier to say...hrm...maybe we should just have regular sex...and...we’ll just not have you do that down there ever again.

WG:  God, how utterly disappointing sex would be if that were the case… IDK about you, but great head is GRRRREEEAATTT.  Good head is ‘mehhhh, let’s just do it”.  I was last with a girl who wouldn’t give it at all.

Me:  You’re a man on a mission lol

WG:  Which is probably why my introductory approach has been distilled to the line you recieved haha

Me:  I could see most girls ignoring you for that

WG:  I’m a man with a goal and a need...like every great story that’s ever been told lol

Me:  When I gave you shit back and you didn’t run, that’s when I knew this might be interesting

WG:  Eh, I can give it out so I can take it….metaphorically...I don’t like assplay lol

Me:  HAHA  I personally don’t enjoy things up there myself, but whatever floats your boat.  Pegging included.  So, why did you decide to chat with me?  Did you have a hankering for witty banter?  Or than the obvious you wanting a BJ.

WG:  Honestly, I wanted to fuck you so I started with sex.  Simple, to the point.

Me:  Well, you are a guy who knows what he wants.  And yet...you didn’t expect me to just come over and ride you like a bronco.  How very complex.

WG:  Figured if you’re not interested, you won’t respond or you’ll bitch me out.  I mean, if you wanted to ride me like a bronco right now, I would seriously consider it.

Me:  HAHA no offense, but you could be crazy. Have a chloroform rag all ready and a dungeon to keep me in.  Or vice versa.  You don’t know me, I could look all sweet and innocent and have a man cave...filled with men.

WG:  Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot lol  But there are still sane women out there who take the chance.  Guess from my POV, if I were a woman, I would be very hesistant, but at the same time...this ‘stranger sex’ stuff can be insanely erotic and fun.

Me:  Oh indeed, people take people home from the bar all the time.  It’s essentially the same.  I have for some reason never really been much for that.  I prefer to meet you in a public place.  Make sure you’re not some kind of nutjob who can’t handle human interaction.  Don’t drive a white windowless van etc

WG:  HAHA exactly.  For me, I like to meet near the place we’ll be fucking, make sure the person is who I think they are, and then we make a mutual decision to continue or call it there.  That way you can capitalize on the momentum you’ve already created without all the social ‘slowdowns’.

Me:  That sounds like something very logical.  I could have some really old photoshopped photos.  I could have an eye patch, peg leg...pirate ship etc

WG:  Exactly.  Or a dick, but I guess I wouldn’t know that til we got back to your place.

Me: My place?  Why does it have to be my place?  My telling you I have a literal man cave didn’t care you away?!  You could also, have a vagina.

WG:  lol But you would like that!  And your place because I have roommates, assuming you don’t.  Seems like you are entertaining the idea now.

Me:  No I’m not actually lol  I had a migraine all day, and orgasms just make them worse.

WG:  I’m sorry to hear that.  Tonight won’t work anyway.

Me:  Why?  Whiskey dick?

WG:  No, I’m DD for my friends and I just got the call to pick them up.

Me:  Aww, how sweet..he has a kind heart.

WG:  Sometimes...need some animalistic shit in the bedroom though.  Some innate need or something.  Have to turn off the brain and let the Id run loose

Me:  *slow clap*  Wow, a Freud reference

WG:  Boom goes the dynamite.

Me:  If you’re lucky

WG:  So yeah, we should continue this convo another time.  I’ve gotta go, said I was leaving like 10 mins ago.

Me:  Okie doke, message me again sometime when you feel like having some interesting conversation.

WG:  Definitely.

Me:  You spelled definitely right.  Such a good student :-)  GOLD STAR!  Bye!

Reflection:  

Never heard from him again.  When I went into the OKC IM history it said that the profile was deleted.  Wot Wah.  Wherever you are Writer Guy I hope you got your BJ :-)