Apparently I'm Psychic

Foreword:

I've been working on my mind reading skills since I was old enough to realize that I am not Jean Grey.  Sadly, I haven’t perfected this skill (Or developed anything even remotely similar to telepathy or telekinesis.  Well, other than my ability to move people away from me  with just one snarky comment...) but I have learned that I am very intuitive when it comes to people.  Occasionally these skills surprise even myself.  Of course this became a valuable tool when I decided to join the online dating scene.  Which brings us to this week’s blog.  This poor unsuspecting man has found himself inside my crystal ball and...well, you can just read it for yourself.  - S

Meat & Potatoes:

Mr Crystal Ball (MCB) 22% Enemy 55% Friend 46% Match (<---Normally I don’t put this up here, and I don’t put a whole lot of trust in these numbers, but in this case they were spot on so why not :-D ):  Not sure on the Halloween 2012 pic, however I like the boots. Also, how did you manage to get Gumby to stay still and not bend/contort his way out of a photo.  (My profile photo had a photo of a guy dressed in a Gumby costume & I together.  What can I say, I like to be original)

Me:  Ok...I feel like guys need to have a female friend go over their profile and pick their photos for them. When guys don't smile or are doing that weird selfie angle they tend to look creepy. However, since the second line of your message was kind of funny I decided to respond. (I am a fair and just ruler of all I see.  All hail me and my generous heart!  Or shake your head at me wasting my time giving people a chance to redeem themselves.  Meh, it’s a toss up ;-) )

Daria for halloween. Make sense now? (I had a photo of me as Daria for for Halloween a couple years ago, and invited the profile reader to guess what the costume was.  I mean c’mon, it was black boots, a black pleated skirt, green military jacket, orange top peeking through, I straightened my hair and put on glasses.  Hell, I even have bangs.  It wasn't that hard people)

Gumby is a reasonable character, I just asked for a photo and he stood still. Pretty simple. Maybe you shouldn't assume that he's so photo shy :p

MCB:  Ah yes, I was thinking that but wasn't 100% sure. (Second strike, no guts no glory.  The first strike was having such a self deprecating and creepy profile)

My Gumby remark was more about what he is made from vs the human analogue that you got a photo with.

I've asked a few to review my profile and thus far got the thumbs up.

Me:  Really? I wouldn't have let those photos slide for any of my friends. Then again I'm a photographer and when they whined 'But I hate Allll the photos of me I have', then I would whip out my camera and take some photos for them.

I was joking about the Gumby thing. I know what you meant. Lighten up buttercup.

MCB:  Yea, ironically the girl that gave the thumbs up is a graphic art major.... (I’ve discovered that if your profile sucks then whatever ‘female friend’ that you asked to review it sabotaged you because they’ve got a crush.  Sometimes they don’t care.  Or, you are spot on and your profile is a window into your soul.  Whatever the case may be, choose your friendly reviewer wisely)

I thought you may of been, but gosh words without context don't convey intent well, often time I offend because of it. (Strike 2.5 for bad grammar)

Me:  Uhm....not to be mean, but she may want to rethink her career. (How do I get away with saying these kinds of things to people? lol)  Or...she's one of those people who can't tell when someone/something is creepy... or she knows that you've got a mouth full of awful teeth so she was just happy you weren't flashing those pearly grays....

I'm not that easily offended. However, you apparently are concerned about it in your questions, whereas I am not. Ever lol

Also, what's the story behind the 2 year degree at 29? I was almost done with that before I left high school lol (True story)

MCB:  Do you know me or something?

Me:  Not that I'm aware of?

MCB:  You kinda sorta nailed the teeth part, I had a bad orthodontist.

Me:  Hahahahaha (<---Laughing hysterically with my foot in my mouth.  What can I say, I’m talented) I'm a photographer, I know a lot about photos and how they look, how people hide stuff...etc etc Plus, I've been told I'm pretty smart.  You didn't answer my question though about the school stuff.

MCB:  Figured I'd let the fallout on the teeth part settle first.

Right out of HS I wasn't mature enough for college, I tried and wasn't ready, so I worked a lot vs school. Finally got serious about school in 2010 and would of been graduating with a 4 year this spring, but was 2,000/semester short. So I'm getting my 2 year from that university (to at least have something from there) I had to go back to CSCC to get a 2 year in my career field I was in at the 4 year university. My plan in is next fall after getting a good job in my field finishing the 4 year degree that I was only a year from completing.

Me:  Aaaahhhh.....hopefully your credits transfer. An Associates just gets you out of your Gen Eds lol Well, most of them. However, that's a story for another day.

So why the super blank and blunt profile? I feel like mine is much more revealing.  (Since he’s up to 2.5 strikes if this response is boring I am probably going to pass)

MCB:  I've done in the past a descriptive profile and got zero replies, so im trying the opposite.

Fair enough. I don't understand most women so I am not even going to bother to try and figure out their view on profile length. Lol ​

lol so any interest?  (ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

Reflection:

Sadly, no...poor guy.  I was mostly just curious, and now that he answered my questions I lost interest almost immediately.  “A” has told me many times that I give everyone (who isn’t batshit crazy) a fair shot.  I gave this guy a shot because 1- His profile name had Dogbert in it, and well...Dilbert is the tits.  2- He was kind of funny in his profile and 3- I felt that someone needed to help him with his profile and of course 4- I was bored lol

I’ve noticed over the years that men often don’t understand the ‘creepy’ vibe.  It’s like they are impervious to the rapey/creepy/sleazy vibes their friends give off.  Calm down penis bearers, I didn’t say all of you are like that, but it’s a common thing.  Ask one of your female friends if you have a creepy guy friend, I’m sure that they’ll probably name one quickly and you’ll be shocked.  However, if they can’t name one quickly either you’ve been blessed by the friend fairy or you’re the creepy friend.  With odds like that, who can resist? :-D  Anyway, I’ve noticed that this seems to transcend into male dating profiles.  The photos on there are usually creepy ass angles, no smiling, dark webcam selfies….*shudders.  Do yourself a favor and have a female friend go over your profile (preferably one who has at least passable grammar and spelling).  When this saint of a friend who is helping you gives you feedback, don’t get defensive, just fix it.  Really, they’re helping you.  It’s the non-bar version of having a wing-woman.  Don’t disregard this valuable feedback!!! *steps down from soapbox*  Whoever thought that “A” was the only one giving out advice here is wrong!  BOOYAH!  Now that this PSA is over, I shall wish all of you readers a Happy Turkey Day and part with some Thanksgiving themed funnies.

Wisdom Is Something Earned

Foreword:  

As a special treat, we have a guest entry from B.  She sent this to me via email the other day and I promised that it would be this week’s entry.  So, here it is!  I’ll just let this guy’s conversation speak for itself.  Enjoy! - S

Meat & Potatoes:

WhizDommmm (WhizDummy):  wink wink

B: I'm guessing from your user name you are looking for a sub?

WhizDummy:  Well... Being a foreigner and according to my dictionary, sub has different meanings as follow:

1- A submarine! No, I am not looking for one of those yet...

2- A submarine sandwich... hmmmm, that is a maybe...

3- A substitute... Thanks but no thanks!

4- A subscription? No, <dating site removed> is free of charge for now...

5- A sub as in a sub-human... Well, I think you meant this one... It is very something of you to judge me as such tho, especially when there is almost no information in my profile that suggests that. VERY SOMETHING OF YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

B:  Except that you have very little info in your profile (typical of a person on here simply looking for sex) and your name has dommm in it...But, glad your dictionary came up with all of those possibilities

WhizDummy:  I hate this liberal motto that says don't be judgmental, because we all judge each other on a daily basis, but I can tell you that you've read too much into my profile and judged me too quickly. I bet you are an Obama voter who thought he was Kool too. We live in a day and age that Wisdom is looked at as a vice rather than a virtue; it is so sad. I am sorry for you because I came to you with love and you fired back at me with hate. Go get a life!

B:  I seem to have missed where I said anything hateful...I asked a question. I would say that I'm not the one being judgemental.

WhizDummy:  No... You did more than that... Let me read too much into you now and see how it feels like: You saw the religion "Islam" and that reminded you of the stereotype Islamophobic lie that we don't think our women are equal to us. You further went ahead and thought to yourself "I am not gonna live up to this guy's high standards of height, looks, success, etc... So let me throw an offensive line anyway"... You thought that wink-wink is not enough to give the guy a response, especially when you emphasized that in your profile, but yet he is too hot not to be responded, hence the sub comment... You are a liberal who put that guy not once but twice in the oval office and you will do that again with Hillary, no matter what this great country is about.. You use liberal garbage such as: Love me for who I am, don't judge me, don't try to change me, go with the flow no matter what, be easy going, spontaneous, laid back, bla bla bla at least once a day. There is not even one week that you don't drink and there is not one night that you don't watch the TV porn that comes out of the Hollywood's sewage... You are this or that and... lol, I better stop or I will show my lunacy more…

B:  I didn't read too much into anything. Your screename, which is the first thing a person sees about you and should define you a little bit, went out of the way to misspell "wisdom" and put some emphasis on the "dommm" part. Maybe, if you don't want people thinking you are a dom, or interested in that lifestyle, you should possibly change your screename. That, or don't take offense to someone questioning it.

I am pretty sure that your choice of religion does not mean shit to me. I've dated all races, all ages, all types of religions, and since I was raised to not be judgmental against a certain religion, I don't care if you believe in Allah or Jesus or a purple people eater. I simply don't place emphasis on it. Clearly, you have been discriminated against by beautiful women in the past though for your religion, so I will let that slide.

Me asking if you are a dom is not intended to be offensive in any way. You don't know - maybe I was into the sub lifestyle and it intrigued me. I'm not, but you didn't know that before you climbed on your soapbox (does your dictionary explain idioms??)

I responded, not because you were "hot" (in fact, the picture of you flexing originally made me think "what a douchebag, I don't want to respond to him"...those kind of pictures are only going to get you girls with very little substance) but because I was curious about the screename. You are not my typical type, and your profile says nothing about you - which typically a guy who does not bother to fill out the profile is looking simply for sex. So, I am so happy that you have a high self confidence and think you are hot, and for many girls, maybe you are. But, you are not what I am looking for.

Additionally, you know nothing about me, but good try. I am not a liberal, I'm not a conservative, I'm not a democrat, I'm not a republican. I grew up in politics, and now keep my distance from politics, as I was surrounded by it my entire childhood, and people who are super political tend to spit such broad, judgmental, biased nonsense that has no supporting information to go along with it, that I cannot stand it.

Not that I need to justify anything to a random lunatic on the internet, but the fact that you messaged me shows that you were interested in my looks, successes, and height (? really? height is something you have a standard for?). You don't have to admit that you were interested, its clear from your "wink wink" - and for your information, I'm fantastic. I own a successful business, I work full time for an amazing company, I am pursuing higher education and paying for it in full on my own, I live in a beautiful house and drive a reliable car and have amazing friends. My life kicks ass and I don't need justification from you for any of it.

Thanks for the discussion, it was a great distraction from my studying this evening. Hope you don't fall off your soapbox and hurt that pretty face.

Also, my friend keeps a blog of stories about crazy people she meets through online dating. I think I am going to request we add this story to it, and I can be a guest blogger. I'll send you a link once it's posted. Happy trails.

WhizDummy:  lol... wow, it seems I really did tease that fat arse of yours, didn't I? And yes, now that you challenged me I gotta say I AM super hot and I don't need your confirmation. No, hot women always stare at me but yes, some of the m efing white trash have discriminated against me; nothing against the noble founding fathers who built this great country and handed it to worthless piece of craps who just use all great resources and have fun... You ARE a liberal even tho you say you aren't because it is typical of liberals to insult others and say oops, I didn't mean it that way. You ARE into me otherwise you could have just viewed my profile and moved on but instead you spent this much time for this back n forth. Yeah, ask your friends to view my profile and I will teach them a great lesson using my soapbox. Pretty face, body, soul, and mind... never forget that; never ever ever. Yes I am interested in overweight women and yes that is sexual but I wasn't a one night stand. Just ask yourself how many intimate relationships you have been into in your life and what happens if the government prohibits alcohol again... There will be riots on the streets, lol... How pathetic! You ARE the slaves of your temporary enjoyments and you didn't show an iota of substance in your attack (which by the way, will sound racial in your next email, I guarantee it, lol). But being a WISE fair man, I gotta admit that I learned something from you: Load your profile with liberal garbage and you may attract the attention of some of those douche bags over the Net! Say things like: I LOVE LOVE LOVE music, I am just a fun, funny, fun loving silly person who loves to have a good time, hit the bars, puke puke puke.... Adios! LOL

B:  Half of your message makes no sense and does not relate to what we are discussing, at all.

And you clearly do not understand what I am saying. I never insulted you in my initial message, you just got really defensive.

It's silly to start calling my "arse" fat now that I have rejected you. My ass, just like the rest of me, is fucking fantastic and you will never get the chance to experience it. :)

And if you think my profile is full of liberal garbage, you clearly did not read it at all. Regardless, I am blocking you, so you won't get a chance to re-read it.

Good luck in your search. Hopefully you find an Islamic slut to fill your fantasies. Kindly Fuck off :) Happy Jihad!  *Blocks him*

Aftermath:

B of course blocks his profile, only to have him create a new screenname that is “WisDomFatAss” and looks at her profile.  She blocks him again and reports him to the dating site for harassing her under another screen name with his old one and the new one.  The saddest part is that she blocked him before he could spout more nonsense at her.  No, nevermind, I saved brain cells because she blocked him.  Hooray for blocking!

Reflection:

I don’t know about you, but don’t you hate talking to people who seem to think that spouting nonsense that isn't relative to what you’re talking about is a way to win an argument.  I believe that whenever you’re spouting nonsense due to some kind of legal or illegal chemical reaction, that you should share whatever you’re on with those around you.  It’s probably the only way that anyone else would understand you.  However, I think this guy is on stupidity...and well, I’ll pass on that.  Also, this isn't his real sign on/name, but I figured I would give a version of it so that the conversation makes sense.  Also, if you’re dedicated enough I’m sure you could figure out what the actual sign on is :-)  Happy Jihad to you wherever you are WhizDummy!

Baby Daddy Drama

Foreword:  

One thing that I bitch about a lot is people who didn’t even bother to read your profile, let alone the 300 + questions you may have answered.  Especially the general stats right there on the page.  However, usually I just don’t respond to people who are clearly idiots.  Like this one guy who said for his ‘Typical Friday Night’ that he is “Setting wif my friends”.  I’m pretty sure that he’s not only a world class linguist, but also a volleyball setter.  Am I off the mark here? O:)  Anyway, usually I’m not invested enough to respond to people, but for some reason this idiot struck a nerve.  So I guess you’ll have to just see what I’m talking about. -S

Meat & Potatoes:

Creepy Daddy (CD): hello princess *Three minutes after I look at his profile and decide in 10 seconds that I am not responding he says -->*  Not interested?

Me:  I’m going to have to go with no since you didn’t bother to read the part of my profile that says I’m not interested in anyone who had kids.  Thanks though.  Best of luck to you.

CD:  Y u not like kids (I shit you not, this is exactly how he responded)

Me:  

1-  They have another parent to deal with whenever you date someone with children

2-  They’re time consuming

3-  They’re expensive

4-  I don’t want any right now and someone with kids means if it works out you’ll have to deal with them.  Hence, not wanting kids

5-  If they’re a bad parent you hate them and you can’t correct the kid’s bad behavior without causing drama.

6-  What does it matter?  I already said no thanks.

Also, I don’t date people who can’t even bother to put proper grammar, punctuation, full words and real sentences in their messages.  Again, I say no thanks.  I’m not the girl for you.  Best of luck.

CD:  That’s awful (Note the changed grammar etc lol)

Me:  I agree, your profile and messages are awful (This is where I blocked him, more so for his protection rather than mine...probably...)

Reflection:

So, looking back I may have been a bit harsh on the poor guy.  However, everything I said was true.  Why he felt the need to pester me about it and not just take his interest elsewhere is beyond me.  If nothing else than dealing with Mr. Defensive has taught me, it’s that if someone seems firm on a view about whatever you shouldn’t ignore it.  Well, I guess it was my turn to pass along the message.  I hope you learned from this experience Creepy Daddy.  Probably not though. :-D

Amish Butter Maids

As mentioned before, sending messages on a dating site are very vital forms of communication. How else are you supposed to get dates? But, it all depends on how you phrase and express your interest in someone. Too plain, and you end up in the trash bin. Too forward and you're just labeled as a strange bastard... as well as in the trash bin, and blocked. There's a thin line between lazy and creepy.

However, some things should not be told to another human being. EVER.

Take this lovely message from a random stranger that lived about... 1 hour away.

Yes, this was an actual message to me from a male in his early 30s who lives in the same state.

While this message caused me to make several faces the further I read it, at the end of it all, I had to say that I was somewhat impressed that he read that part of my profile. I mean, it was a pretty detailed and lengthy story!

I also had to admit that he was very descriptive and seemed to have a really active imagination.

But, after all that, I had to label it as the creepiest, most disturbing message I had ever received from a guy.

So, now you know what the title of this post was referring to and you'll never think of an Amish Butter Maid the same again.

- A