Foreword:
Last week's entry with all it's dealings with days gone by, got me thinking about my past and how much I've changed over the years. One story that has always stuck in my mind is the one about the first time I was ever hit on by a woman. -S
Meat & Potatoes:
Let me preface this whole scenario by stating that I was raised by a Bible Thumper. An evangelical, protestant, running around the church speaking in 'tongues' kind of person. She also is a giant hypocrite, among other things, but this is a dating blog so I'm going to keep it that way as much as possible. :-) When I got to college, I had to deal with all of these things I was taught was 'wrong' growing up. I interacted with openly gay people for the first time in a situation that wasn't my Dad's friend I grew up calling "Uncle," or my Mother saying very hateful things about our gay neighbors, who were always so nice to us, I might add. My Dad didn't have any problems with people from different lifestyles and such, and he still doesn't. In fact, when I came out of the closet he was the first person I told, even before my siblings. My Mom on the other hand....well, let's just say that she was fine with me cutting the neighbor's gas for money but we weren't allowed to chit chat with them or anything without her cursing in Korean about them being evil.
It was always my struggle with all the things my Mother's doctrines preached against. Fire and brimstone for fags, sodomites, Jews, Muslims, and whoever else didn't follow her strict beliefs on billions of things. We didn't even eat Pork because she said it was unclean. There were a lot of other animals we shouldn't have been eating but my Mother had a way of picking and choosing which things were for us and which weren't based upon what suited her needs at that moment. I always was just wary of anything different because I feared my Mother's wrath, but I've always been more of the mindset like my Father; that we all are people. That the religious teachings that people are fed don't always explain everything and that sometimes there are things that it is not your place to judge about. Also, that humans are the ones who recorded those books people guide their lives by and well....we all know that everything people write or relay isn't 100% accurate. However, I digress. The point is, that when I got to college I didn't exactly go crazy but I was up for anything...in small doses. I was finally away from the prying eyes of my Mother and out where I could do whatever I damn well pleased. So I did. One of the places that we frequented was the local 18+ gay bar.
Now, I didn't discover my sexuality fully until a few years ago. I was at some points just curious about women, but at the point where this story takes place keep in mind I was barely 18, still a virgin and still coming out of my shell. A group of my friends all went to the gay bar together because it was one of the few places (hell still is) in town where 18 yr olds can get in. You can dance, wash the black X's off your hands and get someone to buy you a few drinks. It was great. I never was much of a drinker until most of the way through my Freshman year, so I really was just into going out and dancing and hanging with my friends. So that's what we did. All danced in a circle together like people still do. Well, sometimes I would get danced with by fabulous gay men who would tell me how pretty I am. However, I never really ever attracted the attention of a woman. Until one fateful night.
I was dancing and someone came up behind me. I just figured it was one of my friends until I realized that I felt boobs in the middle of my back. I was like...oh shit....those are boobs! I looked back and she was pretty. Not one of those scary butchy ones, so I was like, well go me. I decided that I was ok with dancing with her but she was dancing....with a purpose. Hands all over me, which I tried to keep to my waist. Trying to go down my pants, in my pockets, up to my boobs....this girl was set on taking me home. Being that I was still a virgin I was freaking out. I didn't mind the girl dancing with me at all, I did that all the time, but at this point I don't think that I had even ever been kissed. So my Virgin Alarm bells were going off all over the place. I tried walking forward toward my friends, hoping they would help me. She just kept moving forward. Of course, being the great friends they are....they laughed and pointed. They just let it happen. So once they saw the Roman Hands & Russian Fingers of this girl, one of my guy friends scooped me up and spun me away. I was like, thank you...thank you....so relieved... That was, until I looked back at her shocked face and she walked away quickly. I hope she didn't start crying or anything, but I felt bad then. I didn't mean for her feelings to get hurt, I just wasn't ready for what was happening at that moment.
Reflection:
Although the rest of the night went off without a hitch, I still remember it like it happened yesterday. I know what pants I was wearing, that the girl was blonde with short hair, and all kinds of other details. More importantly, I know how I felt and mostly it was surprise. You see, I have zero ability to notice when people are flirting with me, into me...any of it. Always have been that way. So really that was one of the few times that I knew that someone was attracted to me. I had no idea how to react really, so I looked for someone to save me. I get accused of being a flirt, but really I'm just bored and making conversation most of the time. It took years for me to realize that people mistook my friendliness as flirting. As far as I knew, flirting involved actual physical contact. Silly me!
I also just a while later, I had my first drunken make out with a girl. At that point I had started jumping so far away from my Mother's doctrines that I was on my way to trying everything legal. I wondered if I should have reacted differently after I learned that I liked to kiss women. The answer to that is yes, but at the time I really don't know how else I would have reacted. It was only through my decision to come out of my shell that I learned how I felt. I still pushed a lot of those feelings to the back of my mind for many years simply because I felt that I didn't need to rock the boat and didn't have the confidence in what I thought that I might feel to actually spend the time mulling it over. The time when I decided to go for it would come much, much later and it would be the result of a lot of things that happened in my life.
Really this is all about how far I've come. Now, if a cute girl came up to dance with me at the club, I would be all for it. I really do feel bad about my reaction and I wish that I could go back to my 18 year old self and tell her not to freak out. Who knows, maybe if I hadn't freaked out I would have never gotten into my on-again-off-again college relationship that ended badly. Or maybe we would've danced for a bit before one of us bailed.... Probably would've been me considering the whole virgin thing, but ya know...no way to prove a hypothetical situation from the past, so we'll go with the missed Happily Ever After scenario :-)
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