Foreword:
I personally don't have a whole lot of time to devote to online dating during normal business hours. What can I say? I work a normal job, have a social life that includes organized sports during the weekdays and am usually doing all kinds of stuff on the weekends that needs to be done. Sure, if someone messages me I get a nice little email/notification that cues me to respond, but digging through all the profiles is just a time consuming process. This is partially because I actually read the whole thing, and the other time consuming parts involve me laughing my ass off or scraping my brain off the walls after some idiot blows my mind with their stupidity. So, I, like most people, tend to do a lot of my browsing during the weekends, late at night and of course...while on the toilet. Just being honest here. If you have one too, you do it as well, don't deny it. Anyway, I happened to be messaging this magician on a Saturday afternoon and we decided to just meet for a drink at this local bar we both like. Here's what happened. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
So I walk into this bar and start to look around for the guy I kind of could see in the photos he posted. Basically, skinny white dude who is pale and could use some sun if he probably wouldn't turn into a lobster. His photos on the site were all professional ones of him doing magic and wearing guy-liner in all black ensembles so when he was just in jeans in a t-shirt I was like, "Well, hey now, he looks pretty normal." I see him at the bar, so I sit down next to him and we shake hands and all the usual formalities. For the purposes of this story we'll call him Magical Trevor. I order a drink as well, and we start chatting. Things seem to flow pretty naturally. He's a funny guy, a bit on the weird side, but hey....that's just the kind of people I run into. He's entertaining, funny, and I was just sitting at home anyway, so this is better than doing laundry. The conversation flows well, we seem to be flirting pretty heavily, he's not my usual type physically but we all know that varies anyway. I decide to tell him just because I feel like we might be hitting it off, that I was listed as Bi on the site but I took it down because too many weirdos message you. Well, weirdos message you all the time, but really the numbers are exponential when you have it public that you switch hit. He thanks me for my honesty, but lets me know that it's a deal breaker for him because his Mom is Bi and she left his Dad for a woman and it brings up all kinds of crazy issues for him. I told him that I respected that and mentally prepared myself to Kool Aid Man out of the room when he said "But, I would still like to be friends with you. You are really cool so far, so let's have another drink and chat for a while longer." I was like, sure...why not, we were having fun.
Now that I got my little secret out there, he we started exchanging hilarious stories. I talked about how I have a friend who is a magician and he told me that he hates all other magicians. How when he lived in Cali he would get into bar fights at this club all the magicians hung out with because he couldn't stand them. I was like....wow, someone has some issues with his ego and things, but hey, having crazy as a friend and dating crazy are two different things, so I just listen to his stories and laugh. We talk about family members, and where we've lived and traveled to. Finally, we got on the subject of past relationships. He turned to me at one point and said..."I have this really great story that I actually won an award for when someone used it as the basis of a skit/play." I was like, well now I have to hear it, so he fired away.
Magical Trevor: It was years ago, back when AOL chat rooms were still cool, and dating websites had just started out yet. I found myself on this Goth one because a friend of mine told me about it, and I wasn't having any luck at all but I started talking to this girl on there and she seemed cool enough. Not super weird like the other ones, so we finally decided to meet one day. Back then, you knew that people could alter a photo of themselves but it wasn't as easy or common as it is now. Well, in the photo she had on her profile she was ok looking, nothing to write home about but nothing hideous either. So I arrived at her place and she answered the door. She was dressed head to toe in brown leather. She had on a brown leather corset, brown leather pants, boots of course and a matching collar. The attire she was wearing was the least shocking bit because she looked nothing... NOTHING like her pictures. She looked like the aftermath of a horrible car accident of the girl in the photo. Who knows, maybe that's what happened to her, but her face was deformed....it was bad. Very, very bad. The even more shocking part was when she smiled, she had those fake vampire teeth in. Apparently, she always wore them. I still went inside anyway.
After about 5 minutes of awkward conversation she gets a phone call from a friend who can't figure out what happened to their computer. She looks at me and says "You're good with computers, want to come try and help my friend?" I, not knowing what to say just agreed and it turns out she also needed me to drive since she didn't have a car. We drove out to the middle of nowhere for about 45 minutes in mostly awkward silence, before we got to her friend's place. I was pretty sure that this was some kind of trap and that I would be living in someone's basement forever even as we got to the door. Nothing happened and he just showed me to where he had his computer. I took a look at his computer and he had just kicked the power chord out of the socket. So I fixed it and we were soon on our way back to her place. As we drove back she must have taken all of this as a good sign, so she started flirting with me a lot. We talked and laughed and she started to put the moves on me in the car. As we got closer to her place, things intensified and when we got back to her place she asked me if I would want to come in and have sex. However, before we could actually do that there were some stipulations. We had to do it doggystyle... while watching Interview With A Vampire. It was the only way she could get off.
Me: Well.....did you do it?
Magical Trevor: Hell yes.
Me: OMG, NICE! HIGH 5! *We exchange high 5's and laugh our asses off*
It was probably the single most hilarious story of losing someone's virginity that I had ever heard. I was ashamed to tell him after that great story about mine. It's really boring and commonplace. At college, on a futon in my dorm. My memory is completely horrible, and I'm pretty sure that the guy who I was seeing still had a girlfriend, or they had just broken up...I can't remember. I can't imagine that I would have been ok with losing it to some guy who had a girlfriend. I was very, very sheltered when I got to college and although I had branched out into the world by my sophomore year, I still had some pretty strict values that I was rebelling from. Oh well, I'm sure he remembers, manginas always remember shit like that.
Anyway, back to the story at hand. So eventually the time passes and Magical Trevor lets me know that he needs to meet some friends in a couple hours so he needs to get home to clean up and such. I am also meeting friends that evening, so I need to take off as well. As we walk out he is waiting for me and paid for my drink. Which was unnecessary and nice of him but whatever. As we get outside to say goodbye we hug and I say that we can keep in touch, and that I'm headed down the street which is the opposite of where he was going. So I say that I guess I'll see him later... and that's when he drops the bomb.
Magical Tevor: We could part ways right now, or....we could go have casual sex...
Eloquent as usual, I give a giant bark of a laugh and then quickly realize he's being serious. A few things run through my head very quickly for a moment. The first is flattery, the second is puzzlement because of what he said about his Mom, and the third is me deciding that I just really didn't want to have sex with him. Sure, we had a lovely time together, but I wasn't interested in him physically, really at all. I just wasn't into him like that. However, I wouldn't have sex with someone who said "No you're not good enough to date but I would tap that quickly before I have to meet my friends." Yeah...I just say "Oh, uh....yeah, I'm going to pass on that. Thanks though!" Then quickly run away...the whole 10 feet to the crosswalk.
Of course I can't cross so I wait for the light to change. As I'm standing there awkwardly I look back to see him looking at me debating something, some kind of funny look of amusement on his face. I don't look back again (from all of 10 feet away from him), and resist the urge to run across the street from him and brave traffic, just to make the awkwardness stop. I decide to just take my time, like it was no big deal and just walk to my car like offers for sex like that happen all the time and I turn them down. I walk over to my car and get in and see him riding away on his bike right about the same time I shut my door.
Reflection:
From the safety of my car I can reflect upon the emotions that hit me once the awkwardness wore off. I mean, it was in a way a compliment that he did that. It means that he found me sexy/attractive, etc. But really, with all of the things he told me about himself, I got kind of the feeling that it might have been a bit of desperation. That it was possibly some kind of test. I really wasn't feeling a one... afternoon stand at that moment either, so I guess the shock kind of helped with the knee jerk reaction. It was really an odd feeling that I had right that moment because it was a mix of disgust, anger and flattery. How dare this guy reject me based on something about myself that I didn't choose to be and yet have the audacity to say "you're not good enough to date, but I will bone you." Really dude? That's just low, and the fact that you thought I would potentially say yes to you says a lot about what you think about me. You're not good enough to date, but I will fuck you. Get real dude. Any girl with a shred of self confidence, dignity and standards would've shot you down.
Unless, he was just throwing it out there in the hopes of being shocked. Which, apparently is one approach to dating/hooking up just for sex. It's a numbers game, and although you get a whole lot of no's you also get the occasional yes. Plain rude is what I call it.
However, as time has passed between this event and now, I mostly just laugh at the whole thing. Some guy thought that he could just pick me up like that. Maybe if he had played his cards right and said, "Maybe this whole bi thing can be a deal breaker, but I would like to get to know you before I decide." Then he might have gotten laid, granted you have to give the guy points for honesty but really....wow, just wow.
I think the other thing that really hurt him is that I just didn't find him that physically attractive. I don't generally like blondes to begin with, but he had that whole skinny thing going on. Not that I don't like a lean kind of guy, or your typical skinny nerds, he just looked...frail. Like I could break him. That was just another complete turn off for me. I guess I didn't really think about it since he shut me down so quickly, which also contributed to the whole shocked response. How can we go from 'lets be friends' to 'oh baby, wanna come to my place'.....my brain just doesn't 180 that quickly. The creepiness was just too much.
And now...some funny/creepy photos.
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