Firecock

Foreword:
Most people talk about the strangers they meet during dating escapades with friends.  As you can probably tell, I have a pretty high ratio of share-worthy stories, so it's hard for my friends to keep up. With all of the similarly named people out in the world, I always run into multiples of one name at the same time: Mike, John, Jason, Tim, Ed, D'Mike, D'John... ok, I'm making those up. But at one time, I had 5 new guys named Mike in my life.  That's the truth.  So, just to keep people straight you have to associate them with something, usually their job. Accountant Tim, Volleyball John, Unemployed Steve... etc etc.

As a side note, have you noticed that there are always a lot of unemployed people on dating sites?  Or maybe I just get messaged from so many because I have a good job and manage to stay employed.... also students.  Lots and lots of enginerds...... Anyway, enough about that.  If you're coming up with nicknames for people, why not make them interesting?  My Best Gay Man (BGM) started coming up with hilarious names that stuck really well with everyone.  His creativity is one of the many reasons why I love him :-)  Anyway, during my time where there were too many people with a name that started with a particular letter, he decided to name one that is a firefighter/EMT "Firecock" and the name stuck.  Little did I know that our friendship would stick around for years to come.  Here is the tale of Firecock - S

Meat & Potatoes:
So it all begins on my first foray into online dating on Plenty Of Fish (POF) and I am getting messages from your general creeps; old married men looking for a mistress, to your run of the mill unemployed men looking for a sugar momma and let's not forget guys who just bluntly tell you whatever specific sexual thing they want to do with you.  Well, in the midst of all of this I end up talking to this kind of boring yet really witty guy who works way too much as a firefighter and EMT.  He's more interested in all the crazy stuff I get into since he's a workaholic, and I like telling crazy stories. So it works out well between us.  He lives like an hour away and never takes a day off, so getting together as you can guess was very difficult.  The first time we decide to hang out he gets his car broken into.  The next time he falls asleep because he had worked a double.  Even I, being new to this whole thing, gave up on actually ever hanging out. But we enjoy chatting via text from time to time, so we stay in touch.

Our version of staying in touch is to text each other randomly when we're bored and just see what the other has been up to.  Concerts, movies, music, travel. You name it, we talk about it.  He has a girlfriend here or there, I go through various states of relationships from 2 years to never even making it to the first date lol

However, we seem to be each other's go to bored-texting-friend every few months. We talk for a few days, then we drop off the face of the earth.  He's got a young and handsome firefighter's body, so of course these "conversations" sometimes involve pictures of the varying amounts of clothed kind (never exchanging photos when one of us is committed). But about 3 or 4 years into this odd friendship, I am recovering from a minor surgery and have grown tired of this whole thing.  Yeah, it's fun to have a text buddy, but I feel that after all this time we should just become real friends or give the actual physical stuff a go.

Again, his schedule doesn't permit for us to hang out.  Something that I had decided long ago was bullshit so I started to press the issue this time around.  Potentially burning our weird little relationship bridge, but I didn't give a shit at that point.  I was just tired of this whole thing.  I tell him that we should meet.  I was home, bored post surgery, and I kind of still reeling from a bad breakup and a moment in time where I was 'the other woman' with a guy who couldn't make up his mind about what he wanted from me.  Needless to say, I was kind of tired of wishy-washy men, so we set up a time to meet.  He tells me that I could come to his job and then decides it's a bad idea and flakes.  In my head I felt a bit like Samantha from Sex & The City, where she dates the firefighter... but hey it could be worse.  What the hell, it's been years now and we haven't ever hung out. I am curious about this man I have been talking to for years but never met.  Surprise!  He ultimately bails as usual, so I just write it off as never meant to be.

I text him the day after he bails but he doesn't respond, which isn't unusual.  I try again when I remember a few months after that.  No response again.  Well, such is life.  I forget all about him, except for when I randomly think about him, per usual.  Other than that I've written him off as a mystery that is never to be solved.  I pretty much forget about him all together, until one day a few months ago.  I installed KIK, this messaging service which got kinda popular. So people I knew started using it one by one.  I never delete phone numbers from my phone so occasionally I would get a message that a 'new friend' had joined.  If it was someone I never wanted to talk to for whatever reason I would just block them.  Occasionally their name would not match what they told me from online, you know the usual bullshit that people do when it comes to 'protecting their identity' during online dating.

Lo and behold, one day I get a message saying that someone I knew just joined. I go to check out the app because I don't recognize the name.  Why, according to my phone it's my good friend Firecock! Sporting a completely different real name, and a linked Facebook profile.  Isn't that just nice?  I laugh my ass off, because I am pretty sure he told me his real name at some point years ago and I told him that he will forever be Firecock to me.  I block him via KIK and just go on with my life.  I still haven't heard from him, but I'm kind of tempted to send him a link to this article just to see what he would say.... if anything.  He probably would find it funny and flattering but if I decide to do that I'll update the blog later on.

Reflection:
So, as I was writing this article I decided to reinstall KIK and sign in to see what is up with Firecock's profile.  I look at it, and he has changed his name to Dirk Diggler (I'm totally serious about this). He has a profile photo that, to the trained photographer's eye, lets me know that he's covering up some pretty serious balding.  Which, sadly enough I remember him telling me about back when we first started talking.  He and I are about the same age (give or take a year) and I can see some aging going on.  He's a white guy, and let's be honest, guys don't exactly keep a strenuous beauty routine.  Working like a fiend ages you even worse, and well.... minorities tend to age a lot better.  Sorry white people, but it's a stereotype and we here at Dating Apocalypse are quite fond of them.  Especially when they are an example of being true.  Let's be honest, what they told you in grade school about being a special snowflake is bullshit.

Wait... what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, so Firecock isn't aging well from the one tiny profile photo I can see, which isn't much.  What's worse is he's sporting a pedo stache.  Why do people keep growing these things?!  Poor guy, no one has told him to shave it off.... oh wait, I did years ago when he had it before.  No one listens to me :-(

Anyway.... if you ever stumble upon this Firecock, please... message me back and we can discuss the whole thing.  Heck, I'll even update this with your side of things even though I usually am not interested in anyone else's side of the tale.  However, out of some perverted loyalty to our once sporadic friendship, I'll let you provide a rebuttal to everyone's now assumption that you were some creeper who is married with like 10 kids posing as your younger brother or son in some kind of male version of TallHotBlond. And yes, that is the Dad from Raising Hope - S