Foreword:
I've been on a couple of the free dating websites off and on since my college boyfriend and I finally broke up for the last time (maybe some day I’ll write about him, but not yet) and this story comes from my very first round of online dating. The first site I signed up for was Plenty Of Fish (or POF) which I later discovered is more of a hook up site. Well, I got a LOT of interested guys because the site was filled with (from what I was told) fat, ugly women who are unemployed and have kids. I being a homeowner, single, with a decent job and am kinda funny seemed to be someone everyone wanted to snag, especially the plethora of unemployed men looking for a sugar momma. I don’t make THAT much money so why they thought this was feasible or something I would be ok with I have no idea. Although, I wouldn't mind having a stay at home hubby if I made enough money :-D
However, men are men and some were just looking for ass behind a ruse of ‘we statements’ and then there’s just the trolls who hide nothing. Of all the guys you can get on there, I find that the ones I appreciate the most are the ones who are honest in any capacity. That and the ones just looking for ass seem to be the most hilarious stories. Either way, this guy has to take the cake for the most pretentious and brutally honest of the ‘ass seekers’, and yet the most rapey/creepy at the same time. I know you’re saying WTF?! right now, but it will all make sense once you reach the end. - S
Meat & Potatoes:
This guy I’ll refer to as Jazz Hands messaged me one day and we started talking. I’m a music geek and I sang from 5th grade through college as a non-music major, so musicians and I tend to get along. That is, until their pretentiousness and ego show up and I feel the need to cut them down a few pegs. However, this guy seemed down to earth, didn't talk about himself and his craft too excessively, so I agreed to meet him. All went well, and he had never had Bubble Tea so I suggested this one near one of my favorite Korean restaurants. We were talking on instant messenger ahead of time and this is what happened.
Jazz Hands: I’m going to leave soon, it’ll take me about 20 minutes to get there.
Me: Ok, just tell me when you’re leaving. Do you still have the address?
*5 mins later* Hello?
JH: Yeah sorry, one minute, I’m jacking off.
Me: HAHA *30 second pause* (Oh, you’re serious?!?! What?!?!…LMFAO)
JH: All done and cleaned up, I’m leaving now.
Me: Ok (Here is where I seriously contemplated just not showing up. However, I wasn't 100% sure he was serious, and I wanted bubble tea, so I was like...fuck it)
I get to the bubble tea place before him and I’m looking at the menu when he shows up. First of all, he’s bald now, and his photo has him with hair. Second, he looked more...muscly/toned in his photos and had boxing wraps on. He wasn't horribly ugly or anything, wasn't like fat or that different, he just picked a couple photos that were obscured/blurry and didn't...represent what he looked like in person. I figure, what the hell, he has been funny thus far and we’re already here. So why not? We ordered our drinks and sat on a couple chairs (him in an armchair and me on a couch caddy corner to him) for the start of general ‘first meeting’ chit chat. I will say this, the online dating profile thing does get a lot of the preliminary stuff taken care of, provided that you both take the time to read the whole thing or even part of it. Something, that I discovered doesn't always happen with guys. Him in particular was no exception, so I recounted myself and my life to him until he changes the subject.
JH: So, I might have to cut this short, I just realized about halfway here that I left my door to my apartment unlocked.
Me: Uhm, do you want to go fix that now?
JH: No, I’ll just have to leave eventually. If I go home, I won’t come back most likely since it’ll just use up too much gas and gas is expensive.
Me: Ok….(Why didn't he just turn around and go home halfway here and apologize to me for being late? He has my phone number.)
So, I change the subject to kill the awkwardness and we start talking about music and he talks about why he changed from being a professional musician to doing other stuff. It had a lot to do with job security, health benefits, no savings and being poor all the time. I asked him if he still played etc and he sees my eyes go a bit glassy/glazed as I zone out a bit with him talking about all the places he’s been and yata yata. I’m not a huge Jazz fan, at least not enough to know the people he was talking about, so I was bored and being polite. He notices that I’m just being polite and stops talking.
JH: I can talk about Jazz all day, and I’m not trying to blow smoke up your ass.
Me: Oh, I know you weren't trying to. I just don’t know much about Jazz….
JH: I could blow smoke up your ass. I've gotten plenty of women before doing it, I was just letting you know I’m not trying to.
Me: (Puzzled) Uh, ok….I believe you.
JH: *checks phone* Oh, by the way I am going to leave now. I’m just nervous that my landlord is going to go into my apartment. (<------- WHAT?! WHY ARE YOU WORRIED?!) He’s been trying to enter it without giving me notice all the time and that’s just not cool. So I changed the lock and haven’t given him a new key yet. (<--- The fuck? What is wrong with this guy?!)
Me: Well, I understand. It was nice meeting you. I’m probably going to go get Korean food now.
JH: You could come back with me.
Me: To your apartment?
JH: Well, technically I live in the bottom half of the house of the landlord, but yes. I would drive. (Ok, NOW I’m starting to get creeped out)
Me: No offense, but I don’t get in the car with men I just met to go back to their subbasement layer. I don’t really know you, and that’s how people become the subject of Lifetime movies and national news headlines like “Woman, kept in basement for 10 years”.
JH: HAHA Oh, I wouldn't do that.....unless you wanted me to....*winks* (..................................................................*gulp*...............is he joking? Dear sweet baby Jesus, I sure as holy hell hope so.)
Me: Thanks anyway. (My mouth decided to say this next part without checking my brain) If you want to come back and get Korean food with me, you’re more than welcome. It’s just two stores down from here in the plaza. (WTF MOUTH! WHY ARE YOU NOT FILTERING? Ok...I barely have a filter to begin with, but why are we being polite to the potential ax murderer? No! Stop! No! ABORT! ABORT!)
JH: Probably not, but I’ll message you later. If you want to change your mind, you’re welcome to join me and I’ll give you my address....
Me: (Really?! REALLY?! OH HEEELLLLSSS NO! I'm too creeped out for words now) Uh, thanks for the offer, but I’m really hungry and Korean is one of my favorites…. (Ok, brain, I see what you're doing here now. Politeness, so he doesn't wait in the parking lot to steal you....thinking that he might have a chance to make this happen another time.<--- Seemed like good logic at the time, but honestly if he wanted to chloroform me in the parking lot he could do it whenever anyway and just wait...)
JH: Ok, later!
Reflection:
He left without a hug goodbye, or anything...I don’t even remember if we hugged hello or shook hands or what. Kind of odd, considering he probably wanted to take me home to seduce me. Or rape me...or keep me in his basement and keep me as a sex slave… Whatever.
I luckily brought a book with me in case he was late or didn’t show up, so I read while I ate my delicious Korean food. I messaged him once more via Yahoo messenger to see if everything went ok and because I was bored. He didn’t respond. I got a message from him one day while I wasn’t signed in saying that it went fine, and that he wasn’t at his computer when I messaged him. (Back then it would give you the message next time you signed on) He never called, emailed, nothing after that. So, I wrote him off and I’m ok with that. I’m not entirely sure that he would’ve kept me in his basement, or if his landlord really is crazy or what.
He was one of the first people (if not the first person) I met in person from POF and I’m surprised that I wasn’t turned off from online dating forever. My mentality back then was that I had somehow survived my encounter with a potential psycho killer by being smart, staying safe and more importantly not being an idiot. Instead of what probably any normal person would do which was disable my account and write off online dating, I kept going and meeting these crazy people that you get stories about. Maybe it’s being the daughter of a Psychologist, or that I find crazy people fascinating, or it could be that I’m just in turn crazy. Either way, this is one of the things that helped me carve out my online dating experiences from that point forward.
Sub-basement dwelling potential psycho killer/rapist/musician - 0
Me - 1
If I were to actually keep score, the descriptors for all of the strange/different guys that I’ve encountered over the years would include so many descriptors that it would read like a Micro-Machines commercial….
Sub-basement dweller/potential psycho killer or rapist/musician/roid raged juice heads/burlesque obsessed bull-dyke/virgins of all flavors/country bumpkin(s)/whiney mangina(s)/aspie guy who thinks I’m one too/British virgin with a specific set of fetishes/magician with a weird oedipus complex/ginger brother husband(s)/man wanting to buy my panties/lesbian in desperate need of a makeover/private eye with a vacation option/furries/bronies………..and so much more - 0
Me - 42 (No, that’s not an actual number. It’s just THE ANSWER)
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