When I Dip You Dip We Dip

Foreword;
Friends come and go, people change, relocate, attach themselves to significant others who are controlling....whatever the reason, people drift apart sometimes.  However, there are more concrete reasons for why people are no longer friends.  Today's entry is one of those situations where I was justified in cutting that person out of my life.  - S

Meat & Potatoes:
I had been friends with Pat(rick) for a while and we decided to meet for a drink nearby my house.  I had some food, he had a few drinks including buying a round for some guys we met sitting at the bar.  Now, I must say that this wasn't a date, at least, not for me.  Pat had a wife at the time, and I was not interested in him at all anyway.  For me, it was strictly platonic.  For him....well, let's say that he would've been ok with banging me.  Never happened, and never was going to happen....EVER.  I was not attracted to him at all. I figured out at some point that he wanted me to get it on with him and his wife (who is also bi) and yeah, let's just say neither of them did anything for me in my pants.  Plus his marriage was going through a rough spot, and I wouldn't touch that with a 50 ft pole even if I was attracted to him/them.  Plus his wife was/is crazy and I have a solid rule that you "Do not stick your dick in crazy", and I'm always telling people to follow this as well.  You can sub dick for fingers, tongue....dildo...don't let crazy stick it's dick in you....etc you get the idea.  Keep is simple kids.

Anyway, we were sitting at the bar, and I was done with my food and Pat was done with his beer.  I paid my bill, then went to the bathroom.  When I came back, Pat insisted that I leave with him.  I was waiting for a friend to text me back so I could go hang with them and Pat left, off to do whatever.

When I finally left I had the bartender/waitress chase me down the block saying I didn't pay my bill.  I informed her that I did and she told me it was actually for like $70 from my friend's tab.  I assured her that he probably just forgot and that I would call him.  I tried calling my friend to see if he would come back.  He did not even answer, so I left a voicemail after calling him a few times.  Even though I gave her Pat's number she insisted that I had to pay for his tab.  I argued with her and said that I am not authorizing this purchase and that to charge me for it would be fraud.  I paid for what I consumed, and that if he didn't pay his bill I was not responsible for it just because I knew him.  That would be like charging someone else in the place for my bill just because I chatted with them for a few minutes.  So I left knowing that I might get charged the extra meal.  Which (surprise) I was when I checked my bank account the next day.

I called and spoke to the manager at the restaurant the following day, straightened it out and got my money back eventually.  Of course I sent Pat a text telling him what happened.  He said it was a joke and that he thought I would find it funny.  He "tried" to get me to leave when he did but I didn't listen.  I told him that skipping out on paying for a giant tab is not funny, especially when he knew that they might make me pay for it.  I also informed him that we were no longer friends, that I don't treat people I am friends with this way, and that I don't want to be friends with someone who does.  He apologized profusely, claimed it was a joke, and I just told him not to bother me anymore.

That was the last that I heard from him for a while.  He called me a few weeks later to apologize again.  I, like a moron, took pity on him.  I accepted his lame half assed apology and was ready to bury the hatchet for the time being.  Then, he proceeded to tell me about his life and what was going on now.  He had lost his job because he had started using his company cell phone as his main phone, and he breached some kind of crazy rules.  I don't think that was all of the story, but I imagine he had other things that they got him for since he said they wouldn't tell him why they were firing him.  It all sounded like BS, but apparently now that he was unemployed his wife kicked him out and he was living in a city about an hour or so from where I live (he lived in) staying with his brother or some other blood relation obligated fool.  I made all the appropriate responses and just left it at that.  I had to go, so he left it at that when he's back in town we could grab a drink.  I said it sounded cool and I hung up, glad that this country song was over.

After pondering this whole conversation, I decided that everything about his phone call seemed shady (do people still use shady?  I've heard my teenage niece call things "sketch", fuck I'm getting old....).  Why call me after the shit hit the fan?  Sure it was hanging on his conscience but a text would've been fine.  His wife now out of the picture and living in another city with no money and no job he decided to "reconcile our friendship"?  Was he just reaching out to the only sucker he could think of?  Had I somehow befriended an emotional vampire?  No....seemed to me like now he was just trying to make it happen and bang me.  Maybe get a pity fuck or something.  Plus, I didn't know if any of this stuff was true and we didn't have any common friends for me to verify all this shit with.  So I decided that if he wanted to talk to me he could try but I wasn't going to make a huge effort to patch the friendship up.

Well, I was right about the whole 'opportunity' thing.  He would text or call me late at night seeing what I was doing...like every guy who prowls dating websites at 2am.  At one point he called me about an hour before he was supposed to be 'in town for an interview'.  I had plans already and he got very angry with me.  You can't expect people to drop everything they're doing just to meet up with someone.  Yet he did, and expressed just how pissed he was.  No....I wasn't ok with that and how he was acting, so I called him out on it.  ALL OF IT.  He was shocked (probably mostly because I could see straight through his bullshit), but admitted that was part of the reason why he wanted to stay friends.  I was so pissed and annoyed by him and the whole situation that I decided to just not respond to any of his texts.  Give him the cold shoulder and all that....AFTER telling him exactly where he could shove his bullshit and his dick.  I'll give you a hint.....it's exactly where the shit originally comes from.

He would text me randomly after that for whatever reason.  I'll give him this much, the man had balls.  Try to get me to come out and meet him when he was in town, but I wasn't interested in it.  Nor was I buying what he was selling.  Far as I was concerned I was done with him and everything about him.  After a while, he just stopped bothering me and I haven't heard from him since.

Reflection:
Now I know what you're thinking...."But S, this is a DATING blog, why are you talking about a friendship?"  Well, because he thought it was more than a friendship.  That is unfortunately what happens in dating a lot.  People (myself included) don't mesh with someone as much as we think, or we get friend zoned.  It happens, and this just so happens to be another one of those stories where weird circumstances surround everything.  This is my life we're talking about, so weird circumstances pretty much surround everything anyway.  Plus, he apparently was trying to date me whenever we hung out but I didn't realize it.

Hell, I didn't realize what was going on until I went with my friend M to hang with Pat & his wife.  M told me after we left that Pat looked at me the whole time like I was some kind of prime cut of meat he wanted to devour.  I was, as I am often, oblivious to it all but I took M's word for it, as he is...well, a man and has insight I do not apparently.  After M opened my eyes, that's when I saw what was really going on with Pat and I'm glad that I did because I feel like it saved me a lot of time and effort keeping up a friendship that was just an opportunity Pat was keeping open in case his marriage imploded.  You know that old saying "Guys don't have female friends, they just have women they haven't fucked yet"?  Well, I hadn't run into a situation until then that I felt like that was what was going on.  I'm just, so glad to know that there are men out there who actually created that stereotype and lived up to it. :-/

Am I sad about the way things went down with Pat?  Yes, of course.  However, I feel like it was entirely his fault and the dine and dash was just the straw that broke the camel's back.  He did some other things that were weird, but I didn't think they were friendship deal breakers.  One of which was him telling me that he sometimes liked to take Mushrooms and other drugs and that even though he got tested regularly at work.  I learned that I could buy clean synthetic pee to beat the system!  Isn't that some kind of space age movie kind of shit?!  I'll be honest, that one almost turned me off from him, but I didn't think that he was high when we were hanging out, and he didn't tell me when the last time he did that was.  I just assumed it was one of the things he did with his wife.  It made sense in my mind since there's a question on OKC that specifically asks if recreational drug use can be a romantic activity with a partner.

Mostly I figured out later on that our friendship was based around me listening to his problems.  Hated his job, horrible marriage, etc and I eventually just got tired of it.  I would tell him what he could do about it to fix things, and he would just give excuses as to why he couldn't make it happen.  I was already really tired of being his emotional leaning post, so really the dine and dash was just the last straw.  The whole trying to bang me thing after his marriage imploded was just the icing on the triple layer shit-cake of our friendship.  No I don't miss him, and I don't care if we ever talk to each other again.  I know it's mean of me, but some people are just toxic and I feel like he's one of them.  Anyway, I promise another funny entry next week to balance out all the seriousness of this one. - S

Straight White Boys Texting (Me)

Foreword:
So, if you haven't heard of this phenomenon as of yet....I'll just give you the quick summary (and links down in the Reflection).  Straight white boys(/men) will take a conversation from "Hello" to sexual in the blink of an eye.  Often times under the ruse of some fun and whimsical game like 20 Questions.  So I went back through a bunch of messages I've gotten to give you the best of what I have received, not just the guys who say "Hey, you look hot, want to bone?" but rather the ones who put a little extra stank on it.  Some are screen shots but one is me paraphrasing since I don't have that particular online dating account anymore and refuse to re-activate it. Enjoy.  -S

Meat & Potatoes:
WB:  You seem attractive and not crazy, want to chat?
Me:  Well, aren't you formal!  Sure, why not.  What's up?
WB:  Not much, just relaxing.  What are you up to?
Me:  Working on some stuff, on a beautiful Saturday.  I'm lame.
WB:  Nice!  Do you text?
Me:  Uhm, I obviously have a smartphone because I'm on Tinder...and this is basically what we are doing now.
WB:  Cool.  Give me your number and I'll send you some dick pics.
Me:  Yeah, I'll be honest, dicks aren't pretty to look at.  You just want boobs in return.  Gotta bring your A-game with me.  Get creative buddy.
WB:  Fine, I will put a top hat to match my formal opening.
Me:  Now, THAT is an offer.  Still, no thanks.

Then there was THIS guy.....who would talk to me in a normal capacity for days then get drunk and try so very awkwardly to get me to come over.  Eventually he just stopped messaging me all together.

 

Reflection:
There's really nothing to say other than gold stars for effort, but no dice for any of them.  It appears that I seem to attract more creative Straight White Boys....good to know people bring their C+ game with me. - S

More Straight White Boy Texts info for your meme amusement:
http://cheezburger.com/270085

http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/straight-white-boys-texting-tumblr/

http://straightwhiteboystexting.tumblr.com/

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/why-straight-white-boys-are-the-worst

http://www.reddit.com/search?q=white+boy+texting

justneckbeardthings

Foreword:

So, I came across this profile on Tinder.  There was only one photo, of the original Star Wars logo.  The 500 characters were humorous, interesting and I was curious as to what kind of person this guy was.  After swiping right, I discovered that the guy was horrible at responding, pretty funny and seemed genuinely nice.  Although, I had no idea what he looked like I decided to just chat and see what happened.  Eventually, he made it to my phone (mostly because the Tinder notifications stopped working) and well.....I changed his name do Donald The Neckbeard after the first text on my phone.  Not once during our conversations did I ever feel like I was in danger of interacting with a neckbeard but it happened anyway.  I'll just let you enjoy things as they unfolded. - S

Meat & Potatoes:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=neckbeard

http://www.reddit.com/r/neckbeard

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/neckbeard

Bonus link for my readers - Probably my favorite of the 4 here

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=manic+pixie+dream+girl



























Reflection:
From that point on our conversation delved into things that make no difference and eventually I text him that I didn't think it would work out and that i was seeing where things went with someone else.  All of which were true.  I didn't offer to be friends, out of fear that he would just be strung along despite me being honest that it would never happen between us.  Of course he did offer to be friends, and I having a heart occasionally, reluctantly conceded.  He then proceeded to tell me that "In the spirit of honesty, he would be a liar if he didn't say that he had started developing feelings for me..."  Which, was exactly what I was afraid of!!!  I have been basically giving him the cold shoulder since, but he still sends me texts every few days.  I haven't responded to any of them.  So, thus ends (sort of) my encounter with Donald The Neckbeard. - S

Guest Spot: Twofer

Forward From S:
Ladies and Gentlemen, basically all the classy folk who read this fair blog. We have ourselves here a guest spot and it's a twofer. That's right, you get two stories about awkward dates one night after another. Exciting right? Well, welcome our guest blogger P. He's a Bisexual man and he's going on dates with two men. Just a clarification so that the pronoun games don't get too confusing. - S

Foreword From P:
I had been using OKCupid for a long time now. For me personally, it seems like it's either raining dates left and right or I go through a dry spell. However, the rains don't always bring prosperity, as was the case for me around summer of last year.

I had been talking to two guys on OKCupid, and both had agreed to meet up with me. The first guy, who we will call Ryan, was 31 years old and really seemed excited about meeting me. We had a decent conversation going, and we decided to exchange numbers. We began texting, and he asked me if I could send him another picture of myself. I complied, and he responded by telling me I was about the most beautiful guy on the planet. I asked for a picture of him and... was less thrilled with the results. It looked so different than his other picture. Nonetheless, I was still willing to meet him. I mean, he seemed like such a nice guy after all... right?

Guy #2, who we'll call Sam, and I had a brief conversation. He was 22. I don't usually go for younger guys, but I thought he was attractive enough, and he was eager to meet me as well the day after my date with Ryan. I love the feeling I get on first dates and was ready to see where they might lead, as they both seemed somewhat promising.

Meat And Potatoes:
Ryan and I decided to meet at Olive Garden for our first date. I arrived much earlier than he did, and so I sat around waiting for him to text me back. When he finally notified me that he arrived, I went to the door and waited for him. He showed up, dressed rather casually and shook my hand. I don't like to consider myself a superficial person, but I immediately felt little attraction to him. His profile picture and even the one he sent me in a text was nothing compared to the real him. His face was very asymmetrical, and he was shorter than I imagined as well. His teeth weren't crooked, but they were just very mousey, and I got the impression by their color that either he was a heavy coffee drinker or that they hadn't been brushed in a while.

Nonetheless, I'm happy to see where things go. I believe that sometimes a person's inner beauty can shine through and really take you for a whirl. Sadly, that would not be the circumstance this evening.

Ryan and I went in and were seated. We began our conversation, and I immediately knew that Ryan was more interested in telling me about his life than learning about mine. I sat quietly and listened to him go on about his work and life. When he finally asked me about my job, working in a Library, I explained it a little more thoroughly, he responded by telling me how unexciting my job sounded. Thanks Ryan.

Ryan then began to talk about sports. This was a trouble area for me because I knew Ryan was an avid sports fan from his profile, and I was concerned about his response when I told him in the politest way possible that the only enjoyable thing about football to me is watching the muscular men in spandex tackling each other. Ryan didn't surprise me however; when I told him I wasn't really into sports, his response was "This is going to be a problem." I don't think he was kidding either.

By this point in the date, I was ready to leave. This guy was a condescending douche and not very attractive to me at all. But orders had already been placed. We continued to wait for our food in awkward silence, staring at the walls and occasionally asking the first question that popped into our minds.

Finally the food came, and we dug in... well, I dug in. About halfway through my chicken parmesan, I noticed Ryan wasn't eating. "Don't you like the food?" I asked. Ryan then proceeded to lecture me on how he worked in food service and knows how meals are supposed to be made and that the food tasted nothing like the item that was supposed to be ordered, and rather tasted like cheap teriyaki chicken from a Chinese restaurant. He sat silently cross armed like an angry child and waited for the waitress to come over. When she did, he complained to her and immediately demanded to talk to the manager.

By this point I could actually feel my soul leaving my body. I almost stood up and walked out. But if I had friends, I couldn't bring you the riveting ending to our tale, could I? The manager came over, and for ten minutes, Ryan complained to the manager about his food, not because he found a hair in it, not because it was undercooked, but because he didn't like the taste. He then had the gull to offer cooking tips that he wanted the manager to pass on to his cooks so that the pork he ordered would taste better to future diners. I pulled out my phone and texted a friend, telling him about how well my date was going.

The manager profusely apologized and Ryan not only got his meal for free, but also received a gift card for his next visit. Ryan of course never offered to use the gift card for my meal and instead pocketed it. Stay classy, Ryan.

I paid for MY meal, and we left. I normally like to end dates with a hug, but in this case a handshake sufficed. We said goodbye, and never contacted one another again.

The next day, Sam and I met at Panera. This story isn't nearly as funny or exciting... in fact, it was neither. Sam turned out to be very cute, but absurdly short. On top of that, our date was three hours of exhausting discussion, where I asked questions and he responded with a monotone voice. Any other points in our date were filled with uncomfortable silence. When I would try to hint that I was done with our date by saying "Well, I'm sure you've got places to be," he would tell me that he was free all day, and then actually initiate a conversation, preventing me from escaping, until I eventually said "Well, I need to get going." Much like Ryan, we never spoke again.

Reflection:
Often times, when dates fail, I tend to take quite a bit of personal responsibility. I feel like the people I date are a reflection of myself, and when you get two duds in a row who are not only duds, but spectacular duds, it tends to hit your self confidence a little hard.

But I also take dating as a learning experience. I get to know a little bit more about myself with each date I go on.

Ryan was a fine example of someone I wouldn't even want to be friends with. He was a very judgmental and condescending prick. For a while, I wondered if he was so uninterested in me that he actually sabotaged the date on purpose. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that that's just the kind of person he was. And that's probably a major reason he was still single. As for Sam, bless his heart, he was a kind person, but I was so bored, my forehead actually became numb during our date.

When it rains, it pours.

-P

One Liners Wasted On People...As Usual

Foreword:
As you probably know by now, I am not a huge fan of just starting things out saying "Hey", "How are you?"  Or the oh so popular "Hi".  Unless it's in person, it's just a way of showing me that you are lazy.  Throw a little something in there, well thought out, witty....hell even creepy.  Don't waste my time.  That is a surefire way to get some kind of smartass comment back.  Luckily, I think that the number of women on dating websites is enough now that they have bitched ad nauesum to their guy friends about how much it aggravates the shit out of us ladies.  So, I haven't run into a lot of that lately.  I have on the flip side, wasted a lot of one liners on guys over time.  Here are some of them with photos if I felt they were important. - S


Meat & Potatoes:

     Clearly b.o. jokes are not response worthy....who knew?

This is probably the best explanation as to why I'm not a hit with the ladies on dating sites.

\

Really?  Nothing from a horrible movie reference that you basically were referencing in your profile?  Man, I guess I am really that fugly.

He seemed boring anyway.

I wasn't being a dick, I just really wanted to know.  I still don't know.....damn it now I'm debating bothering him until he tells me.

If you couldn't tell, I hadn't learned from my last b.o. joke....I probably still won't learn :-D

   Clearly SOMEONE isn't a Lonely Island Fan....

Oh c'mon, that's a pop culture reference and not just a Hitchhiker's Guide  reference....amateur....

It's ok, there's a whole song devoted to the distaste for a One Minute Man...sang it Missy!

Seriously....one of my biggest pet peeves.  I know that the psychology behind it is that when you're in a group shot that you always look better because people associate the best features from each person with the person in the photo.  However, you asshole EVERY photo can't be you and a group of friends.  Fucking annoying trying to figure out which one is the common factor.  Also, usually this ends in a disappointing moment when you realize that the person who owns the profile is the less attractive looking one.  Bait and switch mothafucka!

He referenced having a fax machine and Office Space.  The least you could do is give me a smiley back, jeeze.

You're welcome.  I bet he changed his profile after that message.  Ungrateful bastard.





















     In his defense, he was foreign.  I think that I confused him

Reflection:
After going through all this stuff, I feel like some of the weirdos I never respond to are similar to me in that they're just amusing themselves.  However, when I do come across someone clearly just joking around I always respond.  I feel bad for these poor guys just trying to get laid.  Oh wait, nevermind.  I leave you with this last parting photo as my gift to you.  Enjoy! - S